Niles: Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building. One of my neighbors got my mail by mistake. Look at those bills .What must she think of me?
Frasier: Niles, everyone gets bills.
Niles: Not at the Montana. They all have people.
Frasier: Yeah.
Niles: Their bills go to their people. I want them to think I have people too. I used to have people, only they were Maris's people.
Frasier: Niles, if you keep this up you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.

Niles: I don't have time for your badinage, I'm only just putting out my place cards.
Frasier: Place cards, how elegant. Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles: He is on your right. He's an investment banker from Amsterdam, and apparently he handles a lot of Bill Gates's money. So don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Frasier: Oh, damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95.

Elaine:Actually your brother and I are well acquainted. Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.
Frasier: Really?
Elaine: Yes. So where is Niles?
Frasier: Well, actually, he's in the kitchen, preparing dinner. He's favoring us tonight with a lovely pheasant. [A bird squawks] As you know, he is a stickler for freshness.

Frasier: Listen Niles, I really can't stall them any longer, they're starting to ask questions. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles: What? Who'd he bring?
Frasier: An Elaine somebody.
Niles: Well, which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Frasier: I don't know. She's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles: Oh, like that narrows it down!

Frasier: You know, I've spent the last forty-five minutes with these people. They happen to be very kind, understanding, and I think they'll probably be very sympathetic to your problem.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You don't think they'd laugh at me?
Frasier: No, I don't. But more importantly, if you stay in here they will think you're rude, bad-mannered, and - dare I say it - a bad host.
Niles: Very well. I'll go out there. But if they ridicule me, let it be on your head!

Frasier: You'll stay won't you, Stephanie?
Baby: Stephanie's horny!
Stephanie: Oh, my God, is that what you've been saying about me behind my back?
Frasier: No, no, I never said that about you. I said that about me. I'm the horny one. All I said was you were very cute.
Baby: Cute, but stupid!
Stephanie: Well, thank you both for a wonderful evening. Good night.
Frasier: Stephanie, please let me explain.
Niles: I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are going to be neighbors-
[Stephanie presses the doorbell. The buzzer sounds and Baby digs into Niles again]

Frasier: Well, thank you very much!
Niles: Oh, please. I've lost far more than you did.
Frasier: Oh, really? I've lost the most promising romantic prospect I've had in years. What have you lost? The
respect of a parched lush and a Dutch letch! Try repeating that, Baby!
Niles: All right. I apologize.
Frasier: Thank you. Perhaps I can drive you to the vet now. Maybe we should take the service elevator?
Niles: Oh, what's the point? I don't think my reputation can suffer anymore than it already has.
Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Wearing a white bird after Labor day.

Niles: Everybody, meet Baby.
Baby: I love you.
Frasier: You bought a bird?
Niles: Well, I started to think how quiet it would be around here, and she is lovely and she's so affectionate.
Baby: I love you.
Niles: Oh. She says that all the time. I love you too, baby.
Baby: I love you, grandma.
Niles: She's still in transition from her last owner.

Daphne: Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin: Where? Oh. Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you? [Daphne throws him a large roll of duct tape] Thanks.

Niles: The best part is, I'll never have to give my address again. From now on, I'll simply be, "Dr. Niles Crane, The Montana."