Claudia: Well, now we don't have to talk all business. But I do want to mention that we may be replacing one of our nationally syndicated hosts, The Happy Traveler.
Frasier: Oh, yes. The Happy Traveler. How's that coming?
Claudia: Not well. Unless they get more realistic with those ransom demands, he's never coming out of that jungle.

Niles: All right, get out there and stab that thing.
Frasier: No. I'm sick to death of chaperoning that carcass.
Niles: Well I can't do it, I'm the host.
Frasier: Niles, because of that woman in there and a scrappy band of Third World rebels, I am this close to getting a national radio show of my own. You have to do it.

Officer McLean: Hello, is Niles Crane here? We're investigating a possible homicide.
Claudia: What?
Officer McLean: Your neighbor saw Dr. Crane and another man row out to sea with a third party dressed in a nightie. The men returned alone. We suspect they dumped the body overboard.
Frasier: Oh. All right, now, now, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Please gentlemen, come in. You see, I can clear this whole thing up. You see, I was the other man in the rowboat.
Claudia: You dumped a body overboard?

Gretchen: Thank God you're here. I just saw a murder.
Claudia: What?
Gretchen: Dr. Crane was on the beach with his wife, Maris. I recognized her peignoir. I could even smell her perfume. He was stabbing her again and again.
Frasier: Ah. Clearly this woman is delusional. Listen, search the entire house, I defy you to find one scrap of evidence that there's been foul play here.
Marcel: My butcher knife has disappeared from the kitchen.

Officer McClean: Go check the beach.
Frasier: Please, people, I assure you there is nothing sinister going on here.
[The officer opens the curtains to reveal Niles out on the deck, cleaning blood off a knife. He throws the knife over his shoulder.]
Niles: Hello, all. Meteor shower's started. Oh, excuse me.
Frasier: Niles, there's been a little misunderstanding. Perhaps it's time you explained to everyone about the dead seal.
Niles: [laughing] Dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's enough bubbly for you.
Frasier: Niles, they think you murdered Maris.
Gretchen: I saw him stabbing her.
Niles: Oh, I see what's happened. Oh, this is funny. Oh, you are all going to laugh when you hear this. I was simply stabbing a seal.
Claudia: You killed a seal?
Niles: Oh, no, no, I didn't kill it. No, it was already dead when we found it.
Officer McLean: You found a dead seal?
Frasier: Yes.
Officer McLean: And it was wearing a peignoir?
Frasier: That is ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it.
Officer McLean: And the perfume too?
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Officer McLean: So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, and stabbed it?
Niles: I told you you'd laugh.

Officer Athanis: I found this washed up on the beach.
Niles: Well there, if that doesn't prove my innocence, I don't know what does.
Gretchen: Gott im himmel! It's covered in her blood.
Marcel: Dinner is served.
Officer McLean: Sorry folks, no one can leave. This is a crime scene.
Niles: Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner. Everyone, sit down! There's place cards all around the table.

Officer Athanis: OK, gentlemen, let's go.
Niles: Well, he said no one can leave.
[Niles and Frasier are handcuffed by the officers]
Frasier: Claudia, perhaps we can discuss that job tomorrow. You know, I've got some business cards in my breast pocket if you'd like to fish one out. No? Fine, I'll just call you then.
Niles: Officer, you can't arrest me. My wife is alive. She's in Antwerp, getting her elbows done.
Frasier: Oh, give it up, Niles, even I didn't believe that one.

Frasier: What a glorious day. Can't help but put a bounce in one's step, can it?
Roz: If you're gonna be cheerful, sit somewhere else.

Frasier: I'll tell you what, I'll rent an extra-large table and I'll share in the hosting chores.
Niles: You are a saint. Though I did note you only offered after you found that out our club includes a rich station owner who could give you a job.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I must say I'm hurt. I offer you something out of the goodness of my heart, you make it sound like I'm a shallow opportunist.
Niles: I'm terribly sorry. How can I make it up to you?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. Sit me next to someone interesting.
Niles: Oh, Claudia, perhaps.
Frasier: Yes. Why not? Put her on my left, it's my best side.

Pam: He actually marked the bottle so he'd know if you took some?
Daphne: Yeah. Then he marched into my room and confronted me with the evidence. I said "All right. If you want to be such a miser, then fine, I'll buy my own bath salts."