Daphne: You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
Martin: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.

Martin: Well, just ask her if she's interested.
Daphne: Have you lost your mind?
Martin: Hey, the gals in Pyeongchang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
Daphne: Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down. You're not going to get her with a kind smile and a Hershey bar. You know, this explains that so-called "mix-up" with those mail order videos. Mistake my fanny, you ordered "The Joy Luck Club"!

Frasier: Marcel DeBoeuf, Dad. He's the famous sculptor-turned-chef. Each plate is a work of art.
Niles: He's doing his all-truffle menu. For the appetizer, he sculpts tiny mushroom trees, then he carves radishes to look like truffle pigs, snuffling around the roots.
Martin: Oh. Maybe I should do that for Eddie. I could mold his Alpo into a cow.

Niles: She has that stunning beach house. I'm sure I can get past the alarm.
Martin: Isn't that breaking and entering?
Niles: Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.

Martin: Maybe Chef Marcel can make your truffles look like little meteors zooming around the plates. [laughs]
Niles: We make fun of him, but every now and then he has a fantastic idea.

Niles: Yes, Animal Control? A large seal washed up on my property, I need you to come remove it right away. Its condition? It's deceased. And might I add, pretty damn pungent. So if you'll just get- What? Oh, you're not serious. [to Frasier] He says they only handle live seals. [on the phone] What kind of policy is that? If it were alive, I wouldn't need you, I could just scare it away myself.
Frasier: I'd pay to see that.
Niles: Oh, wait, I was mistaken. It's not dead after all, it's sitting up. It looks very disoriented. Come quickly.
Frasier: [grabbing the phone] Give me that. Hello, this is Frasier Crane. You may remember me from my radio show.
Niles: Oh, yes, that should send the Seal Mobile racing over here.
Frasier: And just how do you suggest we dispose of a dead seal? I see. I see. Charming. [ends call] Well, we have two options. We can either bury it or haul it out to sea, in which case they suggest we stab some holes into it.
Niles: Stab holes in it?
Frasier: To make it less buoyant.
Niles: It would certainly make me less buoyant.

[Niles returns to Frasier with two children's beach bucket and shovel kits]
Niles: All right, let's do this. Quick, quick, quick.
Frasier: What's the matter, Niles, you couldn't find any demitasse spoons?
Niles: I'm sorry. This is all we have.
Frasier: Niles, for God's sake, it'll take us until doomsday with these things.

Frasier: Poor noble creature. At least in death, you've achieved a kind of tragic dignity.
Niles: We can wrap it in this. Quick, quick, quick.
Frasier: A peach peignoir?
Niles: Yes, and I found perfume.
Frasier: We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.

Marcel: Excuse me, where do you keep the-
Niles: Chef Marcel, it's so nice to meet you at last!
Marcel: You have been swimming?
Frasier: Just a dip.
Marcel: In your clotheses?
Frasier: Well, it is November. You know, it was so refreshing, I think I'll go back for another.
Niles: Don't forget your lamp.
Frasier: Oh, yes, thank you.
Niles: [to Marcel] It's getting dark in that water.

Niles: Sebastian, you must try one of these truffled scallops.
Sebastian: I'm allergic to bivalves, a good host would know that.
Claudia: Don't mind Sebastian, he's just afraid you'll outshine his geisha party.
Niles: Now, now, no rivalries, we're all friends tonight. And I'm sorry about the scallops. In the future, I'll try to cater more to your shellfish demands.