TV Quotes

Frasier: Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. Fresh tuna. You're welcome.
[Frasier goes to his answering machine]
Roz: [on machine] "Frasier, this is Roz. Write down this number: 555-0179. Don't get mad, that's Ann's number. I talked to her, and she really thought you were cute and sweet and-"
[Frasier cuts off the message]
Frasier: Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley? Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know. How about a nice hot bath? [Mr. Bottomsley gives Frasier a concerned look.] I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine-vegetable winter soup. Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves. [affecting a British accent] Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go. Well, isn't this civilized. [Eddie runs in from the back.] Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. [Eddie runs back.] Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. [Frasier places a shawl over himself] That's better. [He blows on a spoonful of soup.] Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. There we are, yes, now. You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, no. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no...
[Standing in front of his antique mirror, wearing a shawl, stroking and talking to a cat, Frasier finally catches a glimpse of himself.]
Frasier: Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!

Ann: Does he wear jewelry? Because I don't do "man jewelry."
Roz: He doesn't wear jewelry.
Ann: What about skin issues? Because I have a thing against tags, growths, any kind of fleshy masses.
Roz: Ann, he's male and his heart is beating. What else do you need to know?
Ann: Okay, yeah.

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!