TV Quotes

Frasier: Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. Fresh tuna. You're welcome.
[Frasier goes to his answering machine]
Roz: [on machine] "Frasier, this is Roz. Write down this number: 555-0179. Don't get mad, that's Ann's number. I talked to her, and she really thought you were cute and sweet and-"
[Frasier cuts off the message]
Frasier: Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley? Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know. How about a nice hot bath? [Mr. Bottomsley gives Frasier a concerned look.] I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine-vegetable winter soup. Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves. [affecting a British accent] Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go. Well, isn't this civilized. [Eddie runs in from the back.] Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. [Eddie runs back.] Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. [Frasier places a shawl over himself] That's better. [He blows on a spoonful of soup.] Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. There we are, yes, now. You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, no. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no...
[Standing in front of his antique mirror, wearing a shawl, stroking and talking to a cat, Frasier finally catches a glimpse of himself.]
Frasier: Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!

Roz: Are you dense? I was trying to set you guys up.
Frasier: Why would you do that?
Roz: I don't know, maybe because you haven't had a date in ages, and it's starting to show. What is that, your purse?
Frasier: This is a grocery tote. I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market.
Roz: You did not get a cat.
Frasier: No, no. I am cat-sitting for a neighbor, and I go out. I'm going out this evening.
Roz: With whom?
Frasier: People.
Roz: People you're related to?
Frasier: They're still people.

Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?
Frasier: Who?
Roz: Lupe Velez. The movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide. Flowers, candles, silk sheet, white satin gown, full hair and make-up, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on tomorrow's front page. Unfortunately, the pills don't set well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet. And that's how they found her.
Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Frasier: I have someone here with me today, someone you haven't seen for quite a while. There's something she'd like to tell you, something she's wanted to tell you for a very, very long time. Mrs. Mulhern?
Mrs. Mulhern: You little whore!
Nora: Mother!
Mrs. Mulhern: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus. You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz: I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better!