Frasier: I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over. The entire city is out to lynch me.
Roz: Tell me about it. This guy I know at the gym cancelled on me when he found out I worked for you. You've even alienating my boyfriends.
Frasier: Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that.

Frasier: You really think it's a good idea, Niles?
Niles: Well, worked for Nancy Reagan. After her first year in the White House she was widely criticized for her lavish spending. She responding by appearing at a satirical dinner wearing thrift store clothes and performing "Second Hand Rose."
Daphne: And that made people like her again?
Niles: Yes, briefly.

Frasier: Speaking of vermin. "When that special rat of yours turns his little toes up for the last time, don't forget
your friends at Pet Paradise. Pet Paradise, 'When a shoe box isn't enough.'"

Roz: You're on in ten seconds. We have new sponsors and the sales department wants you to work this copy in as often as you can.
Frasier: Good Afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first a message from a new sponsor. "Death is inevitable."
[Frasier and Roz share a look]
Frasier: "But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved family pet. If you've lost, or are planning to lose, a cherished dog, cat or bird, let Pet Paradise console you with a tasteful Plexiglas memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend. Pet Paradise, 'Though your pet may be small, your loss is great.'"

Martin: Well, whatever you said, you're gonna apologize, right?
Frasier: What for?
Martin: For insulting Seattle! People around here take a lot of pride in this town, they don't appreciate some radio know-it-all telling them it's rainy and depressing.
Frasier: In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew!

Connie: "I don't know how you can say Seattle is a depressing place. I've spent the last forty years in this city working the graveyard shift at a cemetery! And let me tell you something, you fat-headed moron, I am probably the most cheerful person you'll ever meet!" [hangs up]
Frasier: You're certainly the most cheerful I've met today.

Roz: You know when I was a girl, I considered being a nun.
Father Mike: Really, what changed your mind?
Roz: ... I didn't want to work weekends!

Frasier: Thank you, Father Mike. Thank you very much. I can't tell you what a honor it is to be here this evening. I expected the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in eventually. [audience gasps] You know, it's a real comfort to see so many priests out there in the audience. These days I don't dare speak in public without someone standing by who can perform the last rites. Whoa! Very religious crowd, I see. I can tell because of the vow of silence! I hope you've got some holy water standing by there, Father, I'm dying here. And speaking of water. That reminds me of a little story. A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest, are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic...
Sister Joselia: Dr. Crane, the Bishop!
Frasier: Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest, but what the heck, a bishop's even funnier. Thank you, Sister. Okay, then, a Rabbi, a Minister and a Bishop are all sitting at the bar when the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news.
Roz: Frasier, the Bishop is lost at sea!
Frasier: Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?!
Roz: But Frasier-
Frasier: Come on, lady, I work alone.

Frasier: All right, anyway, so the purser rushes in to give them the horrible news about the boat. So, the Rabbi gets up and says, "My God, my people will need me." The Minister's about to leave when the Priest said - oops, oh, sorry - the Bishop says, "Sit down, relax, have another drink. I'm sure that the Rabbi can handle it." And the Minister says, "My God, man! How can you abandon your flock when we've just hit an iceberg?!" And the Bishop says, "An iceberg?! I thought he said we hit a Weisberg."
[The audience just stares at Frasier]
Frasier: Hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? [imitating Johnny Carson] Whoa! Bomb-o!

Frasier: Oh, what the hell. Tell them I'll emcee. You know, better yet, tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet.
Roz: I already did. You owe those nuns eight hundred bucks.
Frasier: Eight hundred-?
Roz: Don't mess with them!