Niles: Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Citizen-Officer. I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling. [The kids start to boo] I know, I know. The point is... [getting louder] The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly. Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety, hygiene!
Martin: Oh, geez.
Niles: I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square! [The kids laugh] Okay, okay. Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.
Kid: It's not!
Niles: Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example! It's millions! Or take simple dust. Do you know what dust is? It's the excretion of mites! Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!

Niles: Four rodent hairs, and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle. [The kids yell out in disgust] Okay, I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate. Per 100 grams, the government allows an average of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair. [The kids cry out again] But let's say you want to play it safe. Maybe drink a can of fruit juice. That's healthy... or is it? Well, sure, if your idea of healthy is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot! This is your government, people!

Martin: The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly for all the fourth graders.
Niles: Dad, good luck. It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first.

Niles: What is this? Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again?
Martin: No, that's Eddie's. It's for a safety talk Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary.
Daphne: Sounds like fun.
Martin: Oh, yeah! We're replacing a talking parrot act. Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob. Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers I ever served with. It's funny, you know, with a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot, but as I said before, he wasn't, he was the guy. The parrot being Bob.

Daphne: My mum is a mean, spiteful woman!
Martin: Uh, maybe we should talk this out before you put your hands on me.
Niles: Daphne and her mom had a big fight this morning. Gertrude's been especially difficult to live with lately.
Daphne: Yeah, last night, she got the neighbor's cat drunk again.
Niles: One of them threw up in the hot tub.
Daphne: Well, I told her, we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore. If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house. How did I put it, Niles?
Niles: I couldn't hear you. I was in the panic room. But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

Niles: Dad, are you sure you want to do this? I spoke at a career day once. It was a disaster. All the taunting and yelling, I haven't been so... I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade.

Daphne: A latte, please.
Gertrude: Daphne. Here it is. My first paycheck. $74.12 post tax. See, everybody, I'm helping out my well-to-do daughter with my pittance of a paycheck.
Daphne: [taking the check] Thanks.
Gertrude: I suppose you're going to ask me to stop working here. Well, I don't care if you are embarrassed. I will contribute to the household like you told me, even if it kills me.
Daphne: Sign here.
Gertrude: Right, then. I'll just work here till I keel over dead. Kindly set aside a few pennies from my pay for a nice casket.
Daphne: Already taken care of.

Gertrude: Can I help you?
Daphne: Mum, what are you doing here?
Gertrude: Just following orders. Working myself ill, so I can contribute to Her Highness's household coffers.
Niles: I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home.
Gertrude: "Contribute" is the word she shouted down from her high horse. But I'll be glad to "help out" with the wages I earn serving strangers with my arthritic hands. Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?
Niles: Well, uh, what would you recommend?
Gertrude: Not having children.

Gertrude: If you're not going to order, I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment.
Martin: Gert! You working here?
Gertrude: At Daphne's insistence. The blood is pooling in my feet, but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep. Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood, and give my daughter her cut. Is that a good idea, Daphne? Should I sell my blood for you?
Daphne: No, Mum, you can keep your blood.
Gertrude: Did you hear that everyone? My daughter's letting me keep my blood!

Frasier: Uh, Ronnie, if I may... When my co-workers first signed me up for this project without my knowledge, I was, uh, well, I'll say it, irked. But I'm glad they did. Because I've had a chance to learn the pride that comes when you build something with your own two hands. As carpenter's helper, I sanded that newel post out there. As painter's helpers's assistant, I stirred the paint for the trim in the kitchen. I was also surprised to learn that electricians don't have helpers.
Roz: It's getting dark.
Frasier: Oh, right, right, of course. [to the Grants] Enjoy your new home. I know I did. And if ever these walls should tumble, keep an eye out for my Harvard class ring. Thank you.