Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier: Where have you been? We're on in two minutes!
Roz: Forgive me, but I was busy preparing your schedule for tomorrow. You've got lunch with the station manager, you're recording a PSA at three o'clock and don't forget to send flowers to your sister-in-law at the hospital.
Frasier: Oh yes, Maris's face-lift!
Roz: Really? I didn't know she needed one.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't, actually. There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo-psychology.
Niles: Always go to your strengths.
Frasier: Well, what about you? It looks like you've bought out the entire gift shop. Maris should be pleased.
Niles: Oh, this isn't for Maris, it's for her nurses. They're having a meeting right now to discuss her care and from what people tell me, a hospital strike can be ugly!

Daphne: Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: [laughs] I meant where on your body?
Daphne: So did I!