Daphne: That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
Frasier: I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?
Daphne: I've often wondered that myself.

Martin: Hey, Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to Frasier.
Niles: Oh, I heard the whole thing.
Martin: You listen to Bulldog's program?
Niles: Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus. No, no, no, no, it was on at the vet's.

Frasier: You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!
Daphne: What has that got to do with the rain?
Frasier: Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!

Roz: Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No-one even suspects you.
Frasier: Why not?
Roz: Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you!
Frasier: Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood.

Frasier: I'm going to tell her the truth.
Roz: What? Are you insane?
Frasier: Roz, I've got to unburden myself.
Roz: Frasier, you didn't start this. You are the victim here. Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have?
Frasier: I'll keep your name out of it.
Roz: Fine, do what you want.

Frasier: And we're back. Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
[Niles takes a mint out of his pocket and begins to unwrap it]
Frasier: Hypertension leads to strokes, heart disease and other maladies, so we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, [motions at Niles to stop] quickening of pulse, irritability- [presses cough button] Oh, will you just shove the damn thing into your mouth! So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.

Frasier: Roz, who is on the line?
Roz: On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
Frasier: Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.
Mac: [In a broad Australian accent] "Well, mate, it's like your Shelia said. I'm working with a real yob-out. He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is."
Frasier: Well, you have my sympathy. There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition. My advice to you is to simply avoid him, is that possible?
Mac: "Not really, you bloody wallaby!"
[Bulldog taps on the glass window]
Bulldog: You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog. [barks]

Kate: What's Yum-Yum doing here? Never mind, I can guess.
Frasier: You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him. [noticing You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"?! She's been on for six years.
Kate: Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.

Bulldog: I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said.
Frasier: [taped, singing:] Three little maids from school are we, three little maids from school.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.
Frasier: What for?
Niles: I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth century Japanese Netsuke figurines.
Frasier: Oh, then the rumors were true?