Frasier: Excuse me. Have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably tailored Italian suit?
Heather: Just you.
Frasier: Oh. Well, thank you. Giorgio Armani.
Heather: Nice to meet you, Giorgio. My name's Heather.
Frasier: Yes, uh, Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure. [gesturing to a seat next to her] Do you mind?
Heather: Wait a minute. Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio?
Frasier: Yes.
Heather: Well, I've heard your show. You're great.
Frasier: Oh, thank you.
Heather: This is exciting! Hey, didn't you say on your show the other day that someone had impersonated you at the dry cleaners?
Frasier: Yes, someone did.
Heather: But, how do I know that you're not the impersonator?
Frasier: Oh, good heavens, if you're looking for identification, I... [reaches for his wallet] Uh-oh.
Heather: I thought so. [gets up to leave]
Frasier: Yes, but, he stole my wallet the other day.
Heather: Who did?
Frasier: Frasier did. The bad Frasier.
Heather: You're pretty sick, you know that? Maybe you ought to just get a life!

Phil: Well, I guess this is it. Party's over. I'm so stupid! [sits at a table] You probably want to call the police, huh?
Frasier: No. What I would like to do is throttle you until your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks. But I won't, because this is still a civilized world. But it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way. Because with every wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows. With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another key chain. Everyday you make our lives a little less livable, and I hope that burns on your conscience!

Phil: I take the easy way out of everything, I always have. And you want to know why? I'm lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy! Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the energy to look for a pencil. Could you just connect me?
Thanks, hon.
Frasier: You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?
Phil: Hey, it's the truth. I don't like to work, never have. And believe me, it's a lot easier to take something than to get a job. And I'm even a lazy criminal! A briefcase here, a set of car keys there. Maybe a little light shoplifting, but a bank robbery? All that planning and split-second timing? Forget it!And that second-story stuff - the grappling hooks, glass cutters - who does that?!

Frasier: You know, you seem to be taking this awfully well.
Phil: Well, it's like I said. It was bound to happen.
Frasier: Or perhaps- Perhaps you wanted to get caught.
Phil: Huh?
Frasier: Yes, well, think about it. You've been taking greater and greater risks. Isn't that the behavior of a man who wants to get caught?
Phil: I'm telling ya, Doc, lazy! Look at your pants, for God's sake! You'd think I'd take them in to be hemmed, right? Staples!
Frasier: Oh, dear God!

Niles: No, no. I got my first work shirt this morning and tonight I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.
Frasier: Oh, well, be sure to wear your hernia belt.

Roz: Well, that was pretty great.
Frasier: Yes, but not surprising. Haven't I always told you to have faith in people?
Roz: Yes, and you were right. People are basically good.
Frasier: Yes.
Roz: And fair.
Frasier: Indeed.
Roz: We do nice things for people in this world because there's a little thing called karma-
Frasier: There's no way you're getting Friday off.

Frasier: Do you realize what this means?
Roz: The guy who stole your stuff told her he was you.
Frasier: And it worked! She slept with him on the first date! Nobody ever sleeps with me on the first date!

Frasier: There, there, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today.

Frasier: Nice suit.
Phil: Oh, my God, it's you!

Frasier: As a psychiatrist, I just don't buy that. You're not lazy. What you are is afraid. There are any number of things you could do in a legitimate world. You're just afraid to try one of them and fail at it.
Phil: You really think I can change?
Frasier: Yes. I believe everyone can change because I believe in the basic goodness of people.