Niles: What is it?
Frasier: Oh, it's a tape Dad asked me to rent for him. It's part of our new Wednesday night ritual. Dad mixes up a pot of his five-alarm chili, we all curl up on the couch and watch an Angie Dickinson movie and I wish I were dead. You should join us.

Niles: So, how are you?
Roz: Fine. You?
Niles: Great. I'm handy now.

Roz: Man, that was a great show! It was better than great, it was brilliant. I can't remember when you were more-
Frasier: What do you want?
Roz: Okay. Remember, I told you my girlfriend was coming to town and I might need Friday off?
Frasier: No.
Roz: No, you don't remember, or no, I can't have Friday off?
Frasier: Take one of each, I'm feeling generous.

Niles: Do you believe that woman? That's the second time that's happened to me this week. I have half a mind to say something.
Frasier: Well, then why don't you?
Niles: Oh, you know. Something happens to me when I talk to a beautiful woman. From the moment they begin staring into my eyes, my knees turn to jelly.
Frasier: Still, Niles, we both know the only way to break people off their bad habits is by confronting them.
[The woman walks up to the counter and stands next to Niles]
Niles: Oh, that's true.
Frasier: So? [gestures toward the woman]
Waiter: Who's next here?
Woman: I am! I'll have a cafe.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! No, you're not! You weren't next here, I am! I suppose people like you who glide
through life wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism never notice such things. But you'd do well to learn this lesson, sister! There's still such a thing as good manners in this world, and that's why I would like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee and also please try the poppy seed muffins.
Woman: Thank you.
Niles: You're welcome.
[Niles places money on the counter and staggers away]
Frasier: You were kind of brutal, weren't you?
Niles: All I remember is I was next, and then the sound of blood thundering through my ears.

Frasier: My car was stolen.
Martin: You're kidding.
Frasier: Yes, once again, I fell victim to a master criminal.
Martin: How'd they do it? Hot-wire it? Boy, you know, those guys got fingers like concert pianists.
Frasier: No. He had the key.
Martin: Oh, a real pro, huh? He made a wax impression and then had a duplicate key made?
Frasier: No. It was the same miscreant who stole my briefcase. He used the spare set that was inside.
Martin: What? He tailed you for a few days, learned your routine, so he'd know where to find the car?
Frasier: Not exactly. He called the station and we agreed to meet.
Martin: What for?
Niles: Low-fat lattes and biscotti.

Frasier: You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
Martin: Well, sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins.
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so much glee! But Dad, I have two requests. First, wipe that father-knows-best smirk off of your face! I am not a child!
Martin: And, what's the second request?
Frasier: Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.

Frasier: Is that your briefcase?
Priest: Yes, it is.
Frasier: Where did you get it?
Priest: Some of the nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift.
Frasier: Ah, your parish? Then that would make you a priest?
Priest: Yes.
Frasier: Well, then, Father, perhaps you'd like to explain why you'd be carrying around... a Bible and some rosary beads?!
Priest: What exactly are you looking for?
Frasier: An Angie Dickinson movie. I loaned it to the Monsignor. He was supposed to give it to you to give to me. Apparently, he forgot. Well, it's a two-day rental anyway, doesn't matter. Off you go. Thank you.

Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. It looked exactly like yours. They both have the same inferior leather.
Roz: I gave him that briefcase!
Niles: I know!

Man: "I think I found your briefcase."
Frasier: Oh, really? Really, are you sure?
Man: "Man: Pretty sure."
Frasier: Well, there's a way we can be positive. Simply turn over the briefcase and in the upper right-hand corner you should find a half-moon-shaped watermark, such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.
Man: "It's full of your stuff, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: Oh. Well, that works as well, yes.

Frasier: I will handle this myself. I am going down to Alberto's.
Roz: You have a show!
Frasier: Just run something from the "Best of Frasier Crane." This jackal thinks he's meeting Denise down there, but he's going to meet me instead!
Roz: Are you crazy? He could be dangerous!
Frasier: I don't care, Roz! My god, this man's gone too far. He's after my very soul now. What was it Shakespeare wrote? "He who steals my purse steals trash. But he who steals my good name steals..." Well, oh, I forget the rest, but it makes me good and mad!