Frasier: Need another bottle of wine, Niles.
Martin: Yeah, me too, I love these educational shows.

Frasier: Dad, did we miss anything?
Martin: Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.

Daphne: [on the phone]Donny, I've just put your mum's wedding dress on. A mini-skirt? It's obscene. You can see my... What? No, I took the green box. [laughs] Oh, no problem, then. Bye. [hangs up] I took the wrong dress. This is from his mother's third marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
Daphne: Can you believe people used to actually dress like this?
Niles: I wish I had a picture of it for whenever I needed a laugh.
Frasier: Niles!

Martin: Boys, come over here, they want to put me and the clock on TV.
Frasier: Good Lord, we can't appear on TV with that hideous thing.
Niles: Everyone we know watches this program.
Frasier: Thank God he didn't bring along that dreadful mounted jackrabbit's head with the antelope horns.
Niles: Oh, yes, the jackalope. Texas's answer to the minotaur.

Martin: So what do you think of that, boys? They said they've never seen anything like it.
Frasier: Dad, you know, this could go either way.
Martin: Oh, I know. I'm not going to act like one of those saps I make fun of. Doesn't matter if it's worth two dollars or two thousand, I'm just gonna say, "That's pretty much what I figured."

Frasier: Gosh, you know, Dad, I've been thinking we should find an appropriate place for this clock. How about right here on this console?
Martin: Oh, yes. I get it. It doesn't look quite so bad to you guys now that you know it's worth twenty-five grand. Oh, I could kick myself for not bringing that jackalope.

Niles: We should have known it'd just upset him.
Frasier: Yes, and for what? Trying to find some distant connection to royalty.
Niles: Even if we can prove it, what do we have?
Frasier: Huh, a story to tell at parties.
Niles: An occasional seat at a state dinner.
Frasier: Some meaningless title. It's insane.
Niles: Ridiculous... destructive.
Frasier: Still, there is this grandmother.
Niles: I'm right behind you.

Frasier: You know, Niles, given our new pride in the Crane name, perhaps it would behoove us to research our family tree.
Niles: Actually, in a way we'd be honoring Dad.
Frasier: Yes, of course we wouldn't need to tell him.
Niles: No.
Frasier: Just a few hours on the internet, a trip to the library, we could sketch in the entire family tree.
Niles: And if there should happen to be a connection... to the Romanovs...
Frasier: Well, what harm is there in that? It is amusing to contemplate, isn't it, Niles? You, me, Dad, all part of an ancient noble family.

Roz: Listen, this guy's totally legit. He e-mailed me his picture.
Frasier: A picture? Oh, for God's sakes, Roz, what can you learn from a picture? The man's probably a lunatic, a psychopath... Oh, he's a pretty boy.
Roz: Yeah.
Frasier: Wait a minute. I know this photo. It's the cover of this month's Bidwell's catalogue!
Roz: Are you sure?
Frasier: I'm positive, I ordered those socks and driving shoes!
Roz: How could someone do this?
Frasier: Well, he's probably some insecure would-be Romeo trying to lure you into a meeting.
Noel: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Noel.
Noel: [to Roz] What have we here? An empty seat next to yours. May I?
Roz: No! Of all the dumbass things you've done to get me to go out with you, e-mailing me this picture is just the most moronic.
Noel: But, Roz-!
Roz: Forget it, buddy! I ought to take your mouse cord and wrap it around your nerdy little neck until your eyes pop out like champagne corks!
Noel: [looks at picture] But I didn't send you this.
Roz: Yeah right, then who did?
Noel: My guess would be... that guy.
Roz: Oh, my God! Noel. Noel, I'm so sorry.
Noel: How sorry?
Roz: Not that sorry.

Frasier: So, Niles, how goes the research?
Niles: Oh, I think you're going to be very pleased. According to this catalog of Russian antiquities, the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.
Frasier: Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles. I just discovered that our great-great grandmother emigrated from Russia in 1879!
Niles: My God, it's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Our great-great grandmother, smelling revolution in the wind...
Frasier: Secretly slips away in the black Russian night...
Niles: Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of richer days.
Frasier: Yes. The ticking hands of time counting down her return, her royal power merely hibernating.