Appraiser: So, Martin, what can you tell us about this pewter clock?
Martin: Well, it is a clock set in the stomach of what appears to be a bear.
Appraiser: Actually, it's much more than that. It's Russian, made in the mid-nineteenth century.
Martin: That's pretty much what I figured.
Appraiser: Actually, it's a stunning piece. It was made by Andrei Kuragin, who worked for Tsar Alexander II.
Martin: That is pretty much what I figured.
Appraiser: I don't know if you're descended from the Romanovs, Martin, but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks were done exclusively for the Romanov family and are now in the Hermitage Museum.
[A captivated Frasier and Niles shuffle into the shot]
Appraiser: Martin, you may be surprised to learn that this clock at auction would easily bring $25,000.
Martin: Ca-ching! [laughing]
Frasier: What he means is, that's pretty much what we figured.

Martin: I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know you'd rather be anything else in the world except Cranes.
Frasier: Dad! Now that is just not true. We are proud to be Cranes. It's just innocent curiosity.
Martin: Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't get excited, he's not a real Duke.

Frasier: But, tell us. How did we get our clock back?
Niles: Yes, yes, yes. Tell us, how did Great-Great-Grandmamma retrieve it?
Dr. Myshkin: Uh, Drs. Crane, your ancestor is not the princess, your ancestor is the scullery maid.
Dr. Myshkin: Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.
Frasier: You mean, you're just going to take it?
Dr. Myshkin: Well, its rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum.
Niles: But this clock has been in our family for generations.
Frasier: Niles.
Dr. Myshkin: Dr. Crane, we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win. Do you really want this to come out in the press?
Frasier: Well, do you really expect us just to let you walk out of here with a precious family heirloom?
Dr. Myshkin: Did I mention that your ancestor, before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, worked as a prostitute in New York?
Frasier: Enjoy your bear.

Frasier: And we're not Romanovs. We're descended from thieves and whores.
Niles: You know, I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison with a Russian prostitute in New York.
Frasier: I'm right behind you.

Frasier: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hey.
Frasier: Oh, what are you up to?
Roz: Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great. What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?
Frasier: It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
Roz: There's your Dad.
Frasier: Ooh, don't let him see me.

Martin: You know, I never got into that net stuff.
Roz: Really? You really ought to give it a try. It's a great way to stay in touch with your friends and your family.
Martin: Family? Gosh, you know, that's nice to know that some people still care about their family.
Frasier: Dad, please.
Martin: Well, I gotta go. I'm going night-fishing with Duke, and Eddie, of course. I wouldn't leave Eddie, you don't turn your back on your family.

Frasier: Thank God, I don't have to deal with this tonight. I've already ear-marked a fine bottle of Chateau Beychevelle.
Roz: Oh, hot date?
Frasier: No, no. Niles is coming over to watch The Antiques Roadshow with me.
Roz: I guess you'll be coming in late, tomorrow.
Frasier: It's our favorite show, Roz.
Roz: Party.
Frasier: All right, that's enough.
Roz: Whoo.

Frasier: I think the roadshow is from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania tonight. Amish country.
Niles: Ooh, quilts.

Woman: [on TV] What about this chair? Is it an original, too?
Niles: It certainly looks it.
Martin: Ah, no, they always do this. Set 'em up on the first one and then lower the boom on the second one.
Niles: I think that carving looks authentic.
Frasier: So does the inlay.
Martin: No, no, no.
Presenter: [on TV] I'm sorry to say this chair is a reproduction, worth at best one hundred and fifty dollars.
Woman: [on TV] Oh, what a shame.
Martin: Keep watching, boys. You'll get the hang of it.

[After taking shots each time the word "veneer" was uttered]
Frasier: Oh, God, next week we gotta pick a different word.