Robert: Hey, Ma, could you bring Dad his sandwiches? His stomach just made a noise I heard in the woods once.
Marie: I'm sorry, Robert. We were watching Raymond unload groceries.
Robert: And nobody's videotaping?
Marie: Robert, please.

Marie: Keep going. What else did you get?
Ray: I found these great tissues on sale, so I got 10 boxes.
Debra: Wow, that's a lot of tissues.
Ray: Not only were they on sale, there was an in-store coupon, so it was, like, unbelievable.
Robert: Tell us more about the tissues, Ray.

Ray: Wait a minute, what's wrong with the tissues?
Debra: Nothing.
Ray: No, something.
Debra: Nothing. It's just I wouldn't have gotten those kind 'cause they don't go with the bathroom, but it doesn't matter.
Robert: [chuckles] She hates the tissues.
Debra: No, no, they're totally fine. So what else is in here?

Ray: You do hate them, don't you?
Debra: Ray, look, it doesn't matter. I'll just get my kind the next time I go to the store.
Ray: Wait, no, no, no. I made this decision, and we're sticking with this.
Debra: It's not that big of a deal.
Ray: I'm sorry, but I am not gonna back down here.
Robert: Now we got a show.

Ray: Try this tissue.
Debra: Ray, I don't want to argue about this.
Ray: Good, good. Then you agree with keeping the tissues.
Debra: Fine. We'll keep the damn tissues.
Ray: Don't call 'em "damn tissues", okay? They're gonna be our tissues, and we're gonna display them proudly.
They're gonna be the official tissues of the house!
Debra: Okay, that's great. Whatever you say, honey.
Debra: I got to go pick up the kids in a few minutes. And we're supposed to eat dinner at your parents' tonight, if they'll have us over after your little "freak-out."
Ray: No. No. I'm not eating with those downers! I'll make my own food right here. And I'll decide to eat whatever the hell I want. All right? Just so you know! I happen to be a very good cook.

Ray: [answers phone] Hello? Hey, Gianni. Yeah. No, nothing. Debra's going all nutty on me over here, But what else is new? Yeah, I can golf tomorrow. Yes. It's not gonna snow. It's gonna be 40. What are you talking about? Snow? No. It's gonna be fine. "Red sky at night, sailor's delight." "Shaking with fright?" Who told you that? Well, your mother's stupid, man. Yeah. Hey, you ever try those tissues with the lotion in 'em? Yeah. No, they're good. They're good. Yes, they are! No, you suck! All right. Whatever. I'll see ya tomorrow. You be there. All right, bye. [hangs up] My tissues!

Ray: Stop it! Stop!
Debra: Hey, hey, hey! Your father said stop! In five minutes, I'm coming up there, and whoever's not in bed gets no candy until they're 30! [kids stop screaming]