Debra: God. I was so excited about her coming to visit, you know? I had this big wild fantasy. "Oh, my mother's coming. It's gonna be so nice."
Ray: Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
Debra: What club?
Ray: The Your-Mother-Comes-Over-And-It's-Not-So-Nice Club. And I'm not just a member. I'm also the president.

Lois: Well, perhaps we should talk about this later. This really isn't the time, Debra.
Debra: Oh, that's right. This is your vacation. You gotta do your crossword, then take a siesta, then you got to run off to see Renoir!
Lois: Well, I'm sorry, Debra. I just don't know what you want from me.
Marie: [to Geoffrey] Oh here, honey. Let me get that for you.
Debra: You know what I want? I want you to be a part of the family! I want you to help! Or I want you to at least want to help, okay? I want you to be more like... [points to Marie] like her!

Marie: What you said just now, I have to admit, it came as quite a shock.
Debra: To me too.
Marie: I mean to stand there in front of everyone and tell them you wished your own mother was more like me? That- That I'm the mother you wish you had? That is what you were trying to say, weren't you?
Debra: Well, I, maybe...
Marie: I mean after all these years to find out what you- What you really think of me. You know, you were a little rude, dear.
Debra: What?
Marie: You can't talk to your mother like that. No matter what she's done, she's still your mother.

Debra: Yeah, but I just wanted her to be apart of the family. It's been one day and already she's-
Marie: But she's not doing anything.
Debra: No! That's right, she's not doing anything. Nothing! Not a thing!
Marie: What do you want her to do?
Debra: I don't know. Just help me. Help the kids. Get involved. I mean, she should know! She's a mother!
Marie: Yes, dear, but she's not mother-ish. She's a nice lady but, she's not mother-ish. She's not the kind of mother we are.
Debra: We?
Marie: See, I'd like to think that whatever it is you didn't get from her, whatever it is you learned about what it really means to be a mother, that maybe you got that from me. [Debra chuckles faintly] It's funny, isn't it? How life gives you what you need.
Debra: [chuckles] Oh, you gotta love life.

Lois: [sees Frank and Marie staring through the window] Oh, my.
Debra: I don't believe it. I told them not to come over tonight.
Lois: Well, why would you do that?
Debra: Because it's your first night here and I wanted it to be just us.
Lois: I hope you didn't offend them, Debra.
Ray: No, they don't really get offended in the human sense.

Lois: You know, Debra, I'm glad I'm not staying at a hotel. Because being here with you is giving me a chance to see what a great mom you are.
Debra: Really?
Lois: Really.
Debra: Well, thank you.
Lois: And you, you like the cleaning and the cooking and the running around after the kids, huh?
Debra: You know, I guess I do. [both laugh]
Lois: I don't know where you get it from. [Marie smiles at them]

Ray: [clears throat loudly] How's that water? That's good water, right?
Lois: Water? Mm. Yes, it's fine.
Debra: Ray?
Ray: Well, it's New York water. She's from Connecticut. Where they don't get the, the New York water there.
Lois: I'll tell you where they have the most delightful water. We were hiking in Switzerland.
Debra: Mmm.
Lois: And just as we reach the Jungfrau, we saw this lovely stream. They call it a wasserfluss.
Ray: I'm out.

Debra: Come on, you know you never say her name?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: It's always, "Hey... you there." Just call, call her Lois.
Ray: No, I can- I can't call her by a name. She's a mother. She outranks me.
Debra: Then call her Mom.
Ray: No, no, no.
Debra: Ray, she would love that. Come on.
Ray: No! That wouldn't feel right. "Hi, how was your trip, Mom?" Mom. Mom.
Marie: [enters] Hi!
Ray: Wow! That- That is powerful. Let me try something. Xena, Warrior Princess. Xena, Warrior Princess.

Debra: This is all your fault!
Ray: What?
Debra: She is taking a nap because she doesn't feel like a part of this family because you haven't said two words to her all day!
Ray: That's not true! I did! I did! I even, I said Lois. I called her Lois. You didn't hear me?
Debra: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I heard it. That was real natural. You sounded like Jerry Lewis. "Lo-ho-ho-is!"
Ray: Yeah, well, I told you, you shouldn't force me to do it.
Debra: And by the way, how many times have I said we need more guest towels around here?
Ray: Oh, I know what's going on here. You care way too much about what your mother thinks. Hey, take some advice from me, okay? You gotta cut the apron strings.

Ray: Uh, it's for you. You. [pokes Lois with the phone antenna] Uh, he's says it's the Great White Hunter.
Lois: Oh! [giggles] That Warren. [takes the phone] Hi, dear. How's Zimbabwe?
Robert: Zimbabwe?
Marie: He says he's on safari.
Frank: That's a lot of crap, safari. That's just an excuse to see topless native broads.
Robert: Are they really topless?
Frank: No, they just pop them out to get into National Geographic!