Ray: Hey, Mom and Dad, I think I know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.
Frank: Better not be a pet. I hate people who give pets.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, we know, Dad.
Frank: Giving a pet means "You're old, I find you boring. Talk to a bird."

Lois: Raymond, I just noticed that this background is blue. Do I have time to change into my gray pashmina?
Ray: [shouts] Get back in your place! We're taking this damn picture! Would you see what I'm dealing with here? Are you blind?
Warren: Uh, Raymond-
Ray: Baaah! No habla talkie talkie, okay? I've had it with trying to make everybody happy! I was trying to do something nice! I'm sick of everybody coming up to me, "Oh, talk to Debra." "Talk to your mother." "Why can't my girlfriend be in the picture?" "Oh, I don't want to spend Christmas with them." "Fix it, Raymond, talk." I'm done talking! Don't talk to me anymore, you hear me? If you wanna talk, talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!
Lois: Maybe I'll just wear the blue.

Robert: What are you and Ray gonna get Mom and Dad for Christmas?
Debra: I don't know. Every year it's so horrible. Poor Ray, always wrong. He's over there right now fishing for hints.
Robert: [chuckles] Yeah, hints! Heh, he'll never learn. Mom doesn't give it up so easy. She always gives the same prepared statement every year: "Oh, I don't need anything, dears. I just want two nice boys."
Debra: You two ever try that?
Robert: Nice? It's too much trouble. We used to just go in on some Jean Nate After Bath Splash.

Ray: Come on, it's a family photo. It'll be nice.
Debra: Oh, all right.
Ray: Thank you, honey. It's good we're getting it done, you know, 'cause every year you get older looking, right? When I say "you" I I mean "me." I mean "me," plus $20.

Debra: You know, Marie, while we're talking about Christmas, I had this idea. Now I know this year is your turn, but I was thinking of starting a new tradition. What if we spend Christmas Eve at my parents, and Christmas Day at your house? That way nobody misses Christmas together.
Marie: [faint chuckle] That's lovely, but you'd have to leave Connecticut in the middle of the night to get back for Christmas morning.
Debra: Oh no, we would just stay overnight there and get to your house about 10:00.
Marie: [gasps] But- But- But the children coming downstairs in the morning and opening their presents and their little faces? How could you take that away from me?
Debra: Well, they'll still have faces at 10:00.
Robert: [chuckles] "Still have faces at 10:00." [Marie stares at Robbie]
Frank: Come on, 10:00's fine, Marie. Who needs that crack-of-dawn crap? Grandpa will give a better show at 10:00.
Marie: I have to say, Debra, you're killing Christmas.
Debra: Marie, it's really not that big of a deal. Right, Ray? [Ray is silent] Don't you think it's a good idea, Ray? Just like I thought the family photo was a good idea. I loved that idea, didn't I, Ray?
Ray: It just sounds like a lot of driving. [Marie hugs Ray] Dad, could I borrow $20?

Photographer: I think you made a wonderful gift choice. You have a lovely family.
Ray: You haven't met everybody yet.
Photographer: Don't worry, I can handle anything. I used to be a crime scene photographer.
Ray: Well, they won't be as quiet as your other clients.

Ray: What happened? You were right behind us.
Marie: Your father parked a mile away.
Ray: There's meters right out front.
Marie: That's right, meters, money, your father.
Frank: Mouth, noise, your mother.
Marie: Frank, there's a mirror over there. Why don't you go comb your... Oh, that's right.

Warren: Hola, Ramon! Yo estoy listo para la fotografia.
Ray: Okay.
Warren: That's "Hello, Raymond. I am ready for the photograph." I'm practicing my Spanish 'cause Lois and I are on our way to Buenos Aires.
Ray: Oh, yeah? What time's the flight?
Warren: Well, it won't be for a couple of weeks now. Despus del ano nuevo.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.

Ray: You did know she would hate this. You did know. Sabotage!
Debra: What are you talking about?
Ray: Why- Why are your parents here?
Debra: Because they're part of the family, Ray. And since I won't be seeing them at Christmas...
Ray: Aah. Oh, okay. Little Debbie's Revenge. You're trying to get back at me 'cause I didn't support you with your little stupid Christmas Day thing.
Debra: It is not stupid for me to want to be with my family at Christmas instead of yours.
Ray: Instead of mine. You said "instead of mine." That means you don't want to be with mine at all.
Debra: I am with them every day!
Ray: Well, so am I!

Frank: Hey, how much longer?
Ray: I don't know, a couple of minutes. Look, I gotta do something.
Frank: I can't take that Warren anymore. "Senor Windbag."
Ray: All right.
Frank: He keeps telling me about his latest collection vintage: walking sticks.
Ray: What do you want from me?
Frank: Talk about a waste of money, he doesn't even limp.
Ray: Just go, be nice to him.
Frank: He's even got one that holds booze in it. Surprise!