Marie: I don't know how Debra can let you go to work like that.
Ray: She doesn't care.
Marie: What's that, dear?
Ray: No, nothing nothing.
Marie: What? You can talk to me. I'm your mother. Please, talk to me.
Ray: Nothing nothing. It's just... [groans]
Marie: What?
Frank: What? Can't you read the signs? Nothing. It's just... [groans] He's married.
Marie: Oh. What did she do?

[Ray's telling:]
Ray: Hi! [kisses Debra] How was your day?
Debra: Everything's fine.
Ray: Great. What's for dinner?
Debra: I haven't made you anything yet, Ray. Can you wait?!
Ray: Fine. I'll make my own dinner. [whistles] Mmm, tuna fish. Where is that can opener?
Debra: It's in the drawer.
Ray: What?
Debra: The can opener is in the utensil drawer!
Ray: Righty-o! Ahh.
Debra: Yeah, I bought a new one.
Ray: Oh, did we need a new can opener?
Debra: It's better! Okay? It cuts from the side so there's no sharp edges.

[Ray's telling:]
Ray: Was there something wrong with the other can opener?
Debra: There's nothing wrong with this can opener.
Ray: No, nothing's wrong, honey. I mean, I would have preferred the tuna on bread, but, you know, it's just as delicious right out of the sink!
Debra: This is the can opener I bought, okay, Ray? Because it's better, it's not stupid, and I'm not stupid!
Ray: What'd I say?

Debra: It's just that sometimes he's such a jerk!
Robert: Given. Details?
Debra: Last night, okay? The kids are a mess. I'm trying to hold everything together.
Robert: You're the glue, Debra. Everyone knows that.

[Debra's telling:]
Ally: I'm gonna run away.
Debra: No, don't run away. Oh, Mommy would miss you so much. Yes, she would. Come on, sit sit sit. Let's eat. Hey, Daddy's home! Hi, Ray.
Ray: Yeah.
Kids: Hi, Daddy.
Ray: How was your day?
Debra: Oh, gosh. Actually...
Ray: Great. What's for dinner?
Debra: Um, I haven't had time to make you anything yet, Ray. If you could just wait.
Ray: Fine. I'll make my own dinner. Again. [slams cupboards] Mmm, tuna fish. Son of a... Where's the can opener?
Debra: Uh, it's in the drawer.
Ray: What?
Debra: The can opener's in the utensil drawer.
Ray: Right. [shuffles the utensils loudly]
Debra: Here. See? I bought a new one.

[Debra's telling:]
Ray: Did we need a new can opener?
Debra: It's better. It cuts the can from the side so there's no sharp edges.
Ray: How does this thing work?
Debra: Look. See? You just put it on the can. You twist the thing, and it opens the can.
Ray: Mm. Great. A better can opener. [chuckles]
Debra: What's so funny?
Ray: Nothing! [sniffs finger] Oh, great. Would you look at this?! Oh my God. Tuna juice! Oh my God!
Debra: Here. Sweetie, use a fork.
Ray: Was there something wrong with the old can opener?!
Debra: Well, there's nothing wrong with this can opener.
Ray: No, nothing's wrong, honey. I would have preferred the tuna on bread but it's just as delicious right out of the sink!
Debra: You know, Ray, this is the can opener I bought because it was better. I mean it's not stupid. And and I'm not stupid.
Ray: What'd I say?!
[present:]
Robert: That bastard.

Ray: I don't know. One little comment about a can opener and she freaks out. Like the time I bet the kids they couldn't hit the ceiling fan with a plum.

Robert: You know, I'm not one to choose sides, but this looks like an excellent can opener.
[After Ray enters and tries to pour himself a cup of of coffee, only to find the jar is nearly empty, he looks at Robert and Debra]
Robert: Oh boy. I think I need some Pepto.

Debra: What is this?
Marie: Don't be upset, dear. It's only a can opener.
Debra: So I'm thinking maybe you didn't really understand, Ray, why I was upset.
Ray: Again, I got nothing to do with this. I don't know why she brought that thing over here. I don't know.
Debra: So, what did you do, Ray? Run across the street and tell your mom what a horrible woman you're married to?
Marie: Raymond never said horrible.
Ray: Would you stop?!

Frank: Marie, sun's up, plate's empty. Where are my eggs?
Marie: Frank.
Frank: Oh yeah, the can opener. It's not your fault, Debra. I understand hormones.
Debra: What the hell did you tell them?
Ray: Yeah, hormones was his theory.
Marie: It did sound like your reaction to the can opener was a little dramatic.
Frank: [makes crazy gestures] Whoooo.
Debra: Frank, I can see and hear you.