Robert: Now, Timmy, that's a little rude. These kind people didn't come here to get insulted. [as Timmy] "Then maybe they should close their robes!"
Ray: What are you doing?
Robert: Now, Timmy, it won't do to have you talk like that while you're on duty, so let me remove your badge. "Gentle. It's nailed on. I hope the doctors here have some wood glue!"
Ray: That doesn't make sense. It's not a wood puppet.
Woman: Shh!
Robert: "All right. Now I can loosen up. Hello, doll face. What's your name?"
Margaret: Margaret.
Robert: "Well, you're a real looker. Maybe if you break your hip, I can be your splint. Ha-cha-cha-cha!" Easy, Timmy! I'm sorry.
Ray: He's not wood. He's made of plastic.
Robert: "Hey, folks, what do you think this guy's doing in the hospital, huh? Probably dropped in for an emergency nose reduction. Ladies and gentlemen, my cousin Pinocchio!"

Ray: All right, listen, Mrs. Gorman, I was just seeing if maybe I could get you to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Fix my radio, I'll take a pill.
Ray: I don't know how to fix a radio.
Mrs. Gorman: Then you've used up what's left of my life for nothing.
Ray: Okay then. Well, nice talking to you, ma'am.
Mrs. Gorman: You sit in the press box?
Ray: What, at the game?
Mrs. Gorman: Yeah. I've never sat in a press box before.
Ray: Well, um, if you want to sit in a press box, you've got to get better. And if you want to get better you've got to take your pills.
Mrs. Gorman: Oh, you tricky, tricky white boy.

Debra: You know what? Just forget it.
Ray: Wh- You see? This is what I don't like about charities. It's all about making people feel guilty.
Debra: What? What did I do? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I asked you to volunteer for something. You refused. Your guilt is your own.
Ray: You know how to work it.
Debra: Look, Ray, all I'm saying is that I just really love the charities that I'm involved with. And I feel like we have a lot and I really enjoy giving something back. I mean, that's what people do.
Ray: No, they don't!
Debra: All right, you know what? I'm not gonna argue with you. If you don't want to volunteer at the hospital, you don't have to. This is between you and Him.
Ray: Oh, you are shameless! Don't- Don't bring Him into it, okay? That's not gonna work with me. Take it back!

Claudia: Hey, are you Ray Barone, the sportswriter?
Ray: Ha ha! Yeah, yeah.
Jean: And you've never seen blood before?
Ray: Sure. Just not "to go." But I'm all right though, now.

Mrs. Gorman: If you're the Angel of Death, I'm ready.
Ray: No. No. No, no. I'm not the Angel of Death.
Mrs. Gorman: Then you could use a mint.
Ray: Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm Ray. I'm helping out here today. So, I hear you like baseball.
Mrs. Gorman: What are you doing?
Ray: I'm Ray Barone. I'm a sportswriter for "New York Newsday."
Mrs. Gorman: Oh, yeah? Can you fix a radio?
Ray: What do you mean?
Mrs. Gorman: What do you think it means when somebody says they need their radio fixed?
Ray: No, I've come here to just talk to you. You know, cheer you up.
Mrs. Gorman: They finally send a man in here, and it's you.

Robert: So where's Ray?
Debra: At the hospital again. He's up to three nights a week. He's a big hit there. I guess 'cause he writes for "Newsday," he's a celebrity.
Robert: Yeah, what is it, a mental hospital?

Ray: Well, I've got an idea. Why don't you do your thing on another night?
Debra: Because I've made a commitment.
Ray: Yeah, but this is for the hospital.
Debra: Right, and my thing is for the homeless.
Ray: I'm helping sick people.
Debra: Are you saying your charity's better than mine?
Robert: Oh, you are so disgusting! Debra is the real humanitarian in this family, and everybody knows that "homeless" kicks "hospital" butt!

Marie: But Raymond's doing very important work!
Robert: But Debra's been doing her charity stuff for a long time! Raymond's just a good-doer-come-lately.
Debra: No, Listen, Robert, he should go. I'm the one that wanted him to do this, and I'm glad he got involved. So go ahead, Ray.
Ray: Really? Yeah?
Marie: The hospital wins! And who knows how many spirits will be lifted just because my son was there? You are a son who truly shines!
Robert: And so it is my honor to present you with this award.

Ray: Yeah, but I was I was helping people. I shouldn't let Robert spoil that for everybody. I mean, what I was doing in the hospital, it's important, and I was good at it.
Debra: Yeah. But you're quitting, right?
Ray: When I go in there to volunteer, you should see how happy everybody is to see me everybody the nurses, the patients. You know they all give me stuff? Even the sick people, when they get their gift baskets from people who don't want to visit them, there's always a cookie or a brownie or a nice piece of fruit for me. The cafeteria staff, they're always bringing me Jell-o. And you know that pimple on the back of my neck that won't go away? Doctor's gonna give me a cream for that for free!
Debra: Oh, my God!
Ray: I know! It's amazing, right?
Debra: No! You're not there for them, you're there for you! You're doing this for all the wrong reasons.
Ray: I'm doing it for your reasons. You're the one who signed me up.
Debra: I signed you up to help other people, not to help yourself to free fruit and pimple cream!

Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. "Debra suggested"? You sent him in there?
Debra: Ray, I just... come on!
Ray: Oh, oh, oh! Dirty laundry is coming home to roost!
Debra: What are you talking about?
Ray: You wanted him to take my place so I could stay home and you could pretty yourself up and go out on the town with your face paint and your gewgaws! Yeah. You don't care about the old or the sick! You don't care that their entertainment now is a large man with his hand up the behind of a small plastic man! You were spending all your time there.
Debra: You were never here.
Ray: I was doing charity, and because it wasn't convenient for you, you wanted me to stop.
Debra: Ray, all l-
Ray: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-ba! I don't think you should be talking to me. I think you should be talking to... [points to the heavens]
Debra: But l-
Ray: Bhup!