Robert: Hey, you're the one who came over to my place tonight.
Ray: Yes, and there were no army ants.
Robert: [mimicking Ray] "Oh, my house is empty. Debra's gone! Oh, no! I'm frightened."
Ray: Shut up, ass of the world!
Robert: You shut up, schmuck of the whole neighborhood!
Ray: That's smaller, you idiot!
Robert: I know it's smaller!
Marie: Stop, stop, stop! Stop! [Raymond grunts like a chimp] Raymond, your brother is not a monkey.

Ray: Hey, you're the one who started the whole thing.
Frank: Well, what the hell's that suppose to mean?
Ray: Oh, you don't remember the stories? Gargoyles in our closet? Or a big brother who's just waiting for me to fall asleep so he can steal my brain?
Robert: Or a little brother who's half-spider?
Frank: [chuckles] Half-spider.
Ray: Yeah, very funny, Dad.
Frank: Give me a break! You asked for them. "Scare us, Daddy. Tell us a scary story." We also asked to drive the car. You know? I mean, you should know better. You scared the hell out of us. We couldn't sleep.
Robert: Yeah, couple of times we even wet our beds.
Ray: I never did that.

Marie: Oh, Frank! Look what you did to them!
Frank: Don't give me that, Marie! You loved it when I scared them! Then they'd come running to you and you could hug and cuddle and slobber all over them.
Ray: Hey, that was nice. That's an actual good memory I have. She'd calm us down.
Robert: Yeah. She use to scratch my head. That helped.
Marie: [scratching Robert's head] I didn't like seeing my boys scared.

Ray: Sorry. Look, I was six! I was under a lot of pressure.
Marie: Oh, you just did that, Raymond, 'cause you wanted to be near your mommy.
Frank: Well ain't this a kick in the ass? Everyone was so quick to blame me for all of this, but look at you. You've all got blood on your hands. Now I'm going back to bed and I'm gonna sleep the sleep of the just.

Marie: Good night, boys. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Not that there are bedbugs. You're perfectly safe. But make sure you lock your door.
Ray: Got it, Ma!
Marie: Because in the neighborhood...
Ray: Yeah, we know!

Robert: Okay, when do we go?
Ray: No, we just wait. Wait until he gets into bed.
Robert: Yeah, good. Get comfortable there, old man. Nice, nice and relaxed.
Frank: [o.s.] Come on, Marie. What's with that face? They're gonna be fine.
Ray: Oh, no, Mom!
Frank: Oh, I don't want to scare her.
Ray: Damn it!
Robert: Let's just walk out right now.
Ray: No, no! No, we'll wait. We'll wait till they fall asleep. Then we'll sneak out. Damn.
Frank: [o.s.] Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?
Robert: What? What haven't they done?
Frank: [o.s.] Come over here.
Robert: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Ray: Please don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't go over there, Ma. Don't go, don't go.
Frank: [o.s.] Oh, yeah!
Robert: We're in here! We're in here!
Ray: We didn't see anything! We were in the closet! We were in the closet!
Frank: Scared ya, huh?

Ray: You're a sick man!
Robert: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Ray: I'll tell you! I'll tell you what's wrong with him! He's a sick man! You're a sick man!
Robert: Sick man!
Frank: You tried to scare me, huh?! When you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Marie: What's going on here?
Frank: Got 'em again, Marie! Terrified them!
Marie: Oh, Frank!
Ray: He's a sick man, Ma!
Marie: I know. Did he scare you?
Robert: Uh-huh.
Marie: Oh, come on. Let's go downstairs, all right? I'll make you boys some cocoa and I still have the butter cookies. Everything will be fine, honey. I'll protect you from your mean 'ol daddy. lsn't this nice? I love it!
Frank: Scared myself a little.

Kevin: Can I ask you guys something? When was the last time you cried?
Gianni: What do you mean? About sports?
Kevin: No, something real. I mean really cried.
Gianni: So nothing with sports?
Kevin: No, no. Like last week I was watching "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids." The guy was looking for his shrunken kids and I cried 'cause I didn't think my father would come looking for me.
Gianni: It wouldn't be hard to find you.
Andy: Yeah, you just look under the cookie that's moving across the floor.
Ray: No, no, no. No, guys. I know what he's talking about with the crying thing. The other day, I dropped my twins off at pre-school and I was watching them go in, you know? And just as the door was closing, I saw Michael take Geoffrey's hand and I don't know...

Debra: Oh, I missed my bed.
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: Let me see this.
Ray: What?
Debra: "Robert's elbow into my rib in Mom and Dad's closet."
Ray: Long story. Scary.