Robert: Maybe I'll see Myrtle Beach from heaven.
Ray: Relax, man. I'm working on it. I just got some important information.
Robert: What? You suck at finagling?
Ray: No. Crock pot.
Robert: Right, she's gonna let you go on a golf weekend because you're getting her a crock pot.
Ray: No, you idiot, I'm not gonna get her a crock pot. A crock pot just sets the level. I have to work above that. I gotta get her something that's gonna turn her all goopy. And it has to be better than what she's getting me.

Robert: Oh, I know what she's getting you.
Ray: What? What? Come on, what?
Robert: It's a Christmas present. I can't ruin it.
Ray: Hey, you want to go to Myrtle Beach or not? I'm finagling here. You're impeding the finagle.
Robert: It's a tie! She's getting you a tie!
Ray: A tie, oh, that's great.
Robert: Yeah, an ugly tie.
Ray: Oh, beautiful! That stinks. Oh, I'll get her something really great. That'll make her feel like crap.
Robert: Like what?
Ray: Anything! What? It's an ugly tie. I got stuff under the seat of my car that could beat that.

Marie: Oh, look, how lovely. A sweater.
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: Where did you find it?
Debra: Macy's. You can return it if you want.
Marie: No, no, it's perfect. Such a pretty color. Macy's in Massapequa or the city?

Debra: Oh-ho, look at that, it's the crock pot. How did you know?
Ray: A cute little birdie told me.
Robert: But I thought you were-
Ray: Ba! Ba! And... Here we go.
Debra: Oh, that one is for me?
Ray: Just a little something else for someone who's something else.
Debra: Oh, Ray! What'd you do? Oh my gosh! It's all new cookware!
Marie: [laughs] Oh, sorry.
Debra: Oh, look at this, it's beautiful! I love this, but the crock pot would have been enough.
Ray: No, no it wouldn't have.
Debra: Oh! Thank you! I love it.

Frank: Here's one, "From Debra to Enormo."
Robert: It doesn't say that, Dad.
Frank: [chuckles] You knew who I was talking about, didn't you? This must be the Ferrari I asked Santa for. [opens box] Oh, this is a mistake, Dad. This one's for Raymond.
Debra: No, no, that's for you. That's for you, Robert. When you caught me with it the other day, I had to tell you it was for Ray so it would be a surprise.
Robert: [long silence] What?

Debra: Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Ray: Whoa, hey, that's heavy.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That's heavier than a tie.
Robert: Heavier than a crock pot, too.

Debra: Come on, open it! Come on!
Ray: Oh my God. A DVD player.
Marie: What is that? Like a hi-fi?
Ray: What'd you do?
Robert: She got you a DVD player.
Debra: Yes! Isn't that cool? This is the best one they make!
Ray: What'd you do that for?
Robert: Yeah, what the hell?
Debra: Oh! Got you some movies too.
Ray: Oh, no.
Debra: What? Don't you like it?
Ray: No, I love it, it's just it's more than I expected, you know? I would've been happy with the tie.

Robert: Nice going, Raymond! No golf! I know, instead of playing at Myrtle Beach this spring, I'll just hang myself with the world's tackiest noose.
Ray: Hey, look, don't blame me, all right? You're the one who told me she was giving me the tie. You gave me faulty information.
Robert: No, she fooled us. She's too good. I'm not cut out for this!

Frank: Hey! You don't get it, do you? It's staring you right in the face!
Ray: What?
Frank: You're so worried about your offense, you didn't play defense. The question isn't "Why didn't she give me that tie?" The question is "Why did she give me that DVD thing?"
Ray: What are you talking about? I'm her husband, she's my wife. Don't I deserve a great- [stunned silence]
Frank: Amateurs.

Robert: Wait a minute. You're saying Debra got Ray a DVD player because she wants something from him?
Frank: Of course. Where you been?
Ray: Wait, that's so weasily. That's not her, that's...
Robert: You.
Ray: Yes.
Debra: Okay! Who wants a little hot chocolate? Heated up the milk in my new two-quart saucepan. Here you go. Here you go. Thanks again for these pots, Ray, I really love them.
Ray: [to himself] Oh, I got me a black magic woman.