Sam: Hey, I got you a very, very special gift, my friend.
Norm: More special than a free beer?
Sam: Yeah. Come here.
Norm: Is it a keg and a snorkel?

Carla: Say, Kevin, you know, uh, my birthday's comin' up pretty soon. Maybe you could come back and deliver somethin' for me.
Kevin McHale: Oh, would you like a jacket, too?
Carla: Yeah, right. A jacket!

Norm: Well, guys, I feel like I own a little bit of Celtic history. Some of my fondest memories as a boy are going down to the Garden.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Being in the same building as all my heroes. Sittin' there next to my dad and as he ordered beer after beer from the vendor, sayin' to myself, "Someday, someday."
Sam: That's great.

Norm: We've got McHale here. Why don't we just ask him. Kevin?
Kevin McHale: Yeah.
Norm: Uh, tell this guy how many bolts there are on the floor of the Garden, please.
Kevin McHale: Well, l-l've never noticed any bolts in that floor. You know, come to think of it, Bird, Parish, Auerbach, nobody knows how many bolts are in that floor, huh?
Sam: There's a game for ya.
Kevin McHale: Yeah. Trivia.
Carla: Hey, stop, stop, stop! Stop it! Just turn around and run the other way!
Kevin McHale: What're you talking about?
Carla: Look, Kevin, I'm warning you because I love you. Don't get caught up in one of those conversations. You'll end up like those guys. They never leave those stools. It's a disease, and they're tryin' to hook you. I knew this guy once who was a respected psychiatrist. It's too late for him, but you can still save yourself. Go on.
Kevin McHale: Okay, yeah, yeah, you're I got a game in an hour. Like to talk about those bolts, you guys, but I gotta run. [exits] [overlapping chatter]
Carla: Thank God.
Kevin McHale: [returns] Hey, I'll tell you what, though. If you multiply the number of bolts by number of squares in that thing, you'd be able to find out how many bolts there were.
Carla: Oh Lord, take him now.

Norm: Look at this, huh? Boston Garden. I wake up this morning, thinking my life has no meaning, and now I'm standing here.
Cliff: Yeah, it really, really kind of clears things up, doesn't it, Norm?
Norm: No, I'm still pretty sure my life has no meaning, but I'm standing here. [laughs] Every part of this place is special to me.
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: It's sacred. It's holy, you know, like a cathedral. Think I'll rip a seat out and throw it in the back of my car, huh?

Carla: Drinking alone?
Lilith: No. Frasier asked to meet me to be here today. He probably wants a few more boorish laughs at my hair's expense.
Carla: Well, if it's any consolation to you, I think that look does something for you.
Lilith: Thank you.
Carla: I didn't say what.

Woody: Sam, I have a question.
Sam: Not now, Woody, I'm, uh, watching the game here.
Woody: No, it's really important.
Sam: What?
Woody: Well, say a guy removed the bolts from a piece of floor in a very important building.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Woody: Like, uh, I don't know, say, the Boston Garden. And, and say a guard came, and he didn't have time to put the bolts back in the floor. What would happen?
Sam: You didn't put the bolts back in the floor, Woody?
Woody: Oh, I knew you'd catch that. I should of just been honest with you, Sam. What should I do?

Cliff: Oh, relax, will you, Woody? For crying out loud, they got a crew there to check on everything before the game. Yeah, I'm sure they just found the missing bolts and replaced them. I mean, even if they don't, I mean, what are the odds of somebody hitting that spot exactly, huh?
TV Announcer: Bird passes to McHale. McHale is in for it, stops short. Oh, he's tripped on something! He's down! It looks like a piece of the floor came up. That hurt just looking at it!
Woody: Oh, no! I really did it this time.
Norm: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't blame yourself, Woody. It's my fault. It was my birthday. I'm the one who got him all interested in the bolts.
Sam: No, no, it's me who dragged us all out here in the middle of the night to go count bolts. It was my fault.
Cliff: Oh, never would've happened if I didn't have my Swiss Army Knife.
Woody: Guys, it was my fault. I'm the one who took the bolts out of the floor.
Cliff: He's right, you know.
Norm: That's true. Why are we being so hard on ourselves?
Sam: Yeah, you heard him admit that, didn't you? You guys, you heard it?

Cliff: That's exactly why I never got married.
Paul: Oh, is that why, Cliff?
Cliff: Yeah, that's why.

Cliff: Well, Norm, you know, despite the fact that you don't want to make a big fuss out of it, we all, uh, chipped in and got ya somethin'. Now what is it that, uh, you want more than anything else in the world?
Norm: Another beer.
Cliff: Close your eyes there, Mr. Peterson.
[Cliff places a glass of beer with a gift bow in front of Norm]
Norm: Yay! Oh, guys! Yay! What could it be? Let me see. [gasps] It's a beer! Thank you, guys. Thank you.