Sam: So, what'd you think, huh? Hundred bucks. That's not too bad, is it?
Diane: Yes, the station asked me to convey their appreciation to you for helping them out.
Sam: Oh, well, I was glad to. I mean, that's my favorite station.
Diane: It is?
Sam: Yeah, yeah. I especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events.
Diane: MacNeil, Lehrer?
Sam: Uh, no, no. Bert and Ernie. Oh, wait a minute. Unless... Maybe that's their last names.
Diane: Could be.

Cliff: So your parents wore the colours, huh?
Mrs. Brubaker: Well, I didn't follow my father into the service.
Mr. Brubaker: And Henry's in milk.
Cliff: Oh, well, that explains the lovely complexion.
Mrs. Brubaker: [giggles] Well, thank you.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yours too. So, you know, speaking of milk, here's a little-known fact. The cow was domesticated by the Mesopotamians.
Mr. Brubaker: Oh, no.
Cliff: Yeah, that's right. In fact, it wasn't originally a milk-bearing animal. Oh, no. It was originally used as a guard animal for the Chinese emperors during the Chung King dynasty.
Mr. Brubaker: Just when you think you know an animal.
Cliff: Well, allow me to elucidate. [Norm pulls out his chair] Thank you, Norm. Get me a beer, will you? Yeah. Theory was that the intruder would step on a cowpie...

Diane: You want an excuse to blow up and let it all out so you'll feel better. And you want me to provide the excuse. Well, I'm not falling for that.
Sam: I am not gonna blow up. I just think that we're not gonna be able to lay this thing to rest until you call me a big dope. It's what's in your mind, so why don't you just say it. Get it over with, and we'll go on with our lives.
Diane: No.
Sam: Well, I really wish you would. I think it would be good for me to hear.
Diane: Well, maybe you should-
Sam: I knew it! I knew it! I knew you couldn't keep your big fat mouth shut. Oh, God, you think you know everything, don't you? In your entire life, you've never said, "I don't know," or, "I think this." Or, "In my humble opinion." Oh, no, you always just say this. And you just say that. This, that! This, that! You know, you're nuts. You are crazy. And in your twisted little mind, you probably think you're gonna make me crazy just like you made Frasier crazy, just like you make everybody crazy. But you're not gonna make me crazy. You wanna know why? I'm gonna tell you why. Are you listening? Here it comes. I don't know! And I'll tell you something else. You don't know either. Nobody knows why you're not gonna make me crazy. So stick that in your hat and smoke it. [exits] [returns in a calm mood] Thank you.
Diane: Anytime.

Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Uh, I'm waiting for the movie.

Diane: Hello, everyone.
All: [unenthusiastic] Hey.
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in, you all yell, "Norm!", make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks. [returns] Hello, everyone.
All: Norm!
Diane: That's better.

Bob: Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there. I'm sure one of you wanna make a bid on this priceless piece of baseball memorabilia donated by ex-Red Sox star Sam Maloney.
Diane: That's "Malone."
Bob: Oh, yes. Thank you for that. Perhaps we should meet some of our volunteers now. And what is your name, miss?
Diane: Diane Chambers. I was just giggling with one of our callers over a joke that I'd love to share with you, Bob.
Bob: Well, please.
Diane: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Bob: How many?
Diane: The fish. [laughs] I guess Surrealistic humor isn't your cup of fur. [laughs]

Sam: That's not too bad, a hundred big ones.
Woody: Yeah, way to go, Sam.
Carla: Mayday's back, huh?
Sam: Oh, come on. I just feel good to be able to do something to help out quality television. You know, I think maybe we should start watching this station more often.
Bob: [on TV] Well, enough of this pledge break. Let's get back to our program. Hydro-Mulching: How Much? How Soon?
Sam: Okay, wrestling.

Norm: Cliff. Man, I'm in Death Valley over here. Help me out. Woody, give me a glass of water. Just help me out, will you? Just come on over and just talk a little bit.
Cliff: Who, me, Norm? The laughingstock, the windbag, the boob?
Norm: All right, I'm really sorry for whatever I may have said this afternoon. I just didn't know what these people would be like.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? What are they like, Norm?
Norm: They're like... Like dead people without the rouge.

Mrs. Brubaker: You're a delight, Clifford.
Cliff: Oh, enchante, Enid. Drive carefully, huh?
Norm: What? What? Where are they going? Where are they going?
Cliff: Uh, Henry's gotta get up early in the morning, and Enid's sciatica's flaring up again. Oh, what that woman endures.
Norm: Forget her, what about me? Did I get the job?
Cliff: Oh, jeez, Norm. Norm, I forgot to ask. Hey, look, don't worry. I'll bring it up this weekend.
Norm: This weekend?
Cliff: Yeah, they invited me up to the farm. Forty-eight hours of Charades, food and Yahtzee.

Norm: Well, come on in, folks. We have just a few moments till our table's ready upstairs. And we can just have a drink here and get acquainted. Just have a seat, folks. This is Cheers. I think you'll find it a friendly, warm, pub-like atmosphere.
Mrs. Brubaker: I hate bars.
Norm: Well, I think they should be abolished, actually. But we just have to be here a few moments. Then we can go on upstairs and strap on the old feedbag.
Mrs. Brubaker: There are a lot of things I can't eat.
Mr. Brubaker: Yes, we're both very careful.
Norm: Well, I have a very sensitive stomach myself, so...
Carla: Good news. We just got in those taco- flavoured pork rinds you love so much.
Norm: Friendly serving wench, you know.