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‘Fools and Their Money’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Fools and Their Money

412. Fools and Their Money

Aired December 19, 1985

Sam tries to protect Woody by not placing a long-shot bet with his bookie, only for Woody to win the bet.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Frasier, I really don't think that would be a good idea at all.
Frasier: Of course. I understand. Oh, Diane. I've been putting off telling you something, but I feel I must now. You've been using the word "really" far too frequently. In fact, it's become really noticeable. It's really quite maddening, really.
Diane: Frasier, I know you're disappointed that I didn't accept your invitation, but I really-- I don't think that's any reason to get on my case.
Frasier: "Get on my case." What a charming bit of slang.
Diane: Frasier, nitpicking at my choice of the correct modern English does not make you any more attractive to me. If that's the purpose in your visits here, perhaps you should find another tavern in which to bore the life out of the clientele.
Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Miss God's-Gift-to-Men. It just so happens that I come here to share the companionship of my male friends. So, men, what's on the agenda tonight?
All: Football.
Frasier: Oh, good Lord. I mean, "Rah."
Diane: Using a colloquialism to ingratiate yourself with the rabble? How very sad. How really very sad.

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Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, Woody, you know, if you win this, that's gonna make three weeks straight you've been in the money.
Woody: Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm on a streak. You know, I've always been a lucky guy. Back home I won a haircut.
Norm: The heck kind of contest was that?
Woody: Well, it wasn't really a contest. It was just policy. See, if the barber nicks your ear, you get a free haircut.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: I think Schopenhauer put it aptly when he said: "Noise is the most contemptuous of all forms of interruption. It is--"
Frasier: Impertinent.
Diane: Excuse me?
Frasier: What you were trying to say was: "Noise is the most impertinent of all forms of interruption." She said "contemptuous," can you believe that?
Al: I thought I'd have a conniption.
Diane: Stop this quibbling at once. As the only two entities of any discernible intellect in this place, it is our duty to set an example for the others.
Frasier: You're only saying that because you know I'm smarter than you are.
Diane: This from a man who mispronounced "remoulade" at a dinner party.
Frasier: Diane, I am fed up with the remoulade incident!
Diane: Isn't it true?
Frasier: You are totally overblowing it.

Quote from Woody

Norm: Come on, man, don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my backyard.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that... It felt so right when I did it, but now it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane: What's her name, and how many months?

Quote from Woody

Diane: Let's start again. What I'm talking about is the meaning of money. What is it worth? It can't buy love, it can't buy friends, it can't buy happiness.
Woody: Well, you're right, and I already have all those things.
Diane: So, in fact, you have everything. And it wouldn't matter if you never got that money at all.
Woody: [laughs] Oh, you're serious. Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Chambers. You see, it's just that my family never had a lot of money and still my folks were always making sacrifices for us kids, especially my mom. I remember something she used to say to me, she'd say: "Woody, hold on to your dream. I lost mine, but I want yours to come true." It always made me sad to think of what Mom gave up for us.
Diane: What was your mom's dream?
Woody: To be a drummer in a power trio. Her big hero was Ginger Baker in Cream. Whenever we'd walk by the music store in town, she'd just stare and stare at the Ludwigs in the window. I knew even though she was standing in front of Keller's Music, that in her head she was up on some stage banging out the solo in "Toad."
Diane: It must have been tough to go back to breading cutlets.
Woody: Now she's gonna get those drums. And with heavy metal coming back, who knows what might happen.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Sam, maybe you ought to call the bookie again.
Sam: Sit down for a minute here, will you. Woody, you know that old expression, "When you win a bet, you never get paid for eight days"?
Woody: No, but I like it.
Sam: Well, it's an old Irish expression. Which is probably why the bookie hasn't shown up yet. But you know what, it gives you an opportunity to do some financial planning.
Woody: Financial planning?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, you know, like spreading out the payments over a period of time, just like they do with the lottery winners.
Woody: Lottery winners?
Sam: Yeah, yeah. All right. Listen. Here's my plan. Now, I'll keep the $10,000 for you and I'll give you, let's say, $1 a week for 10,000 weeks. Or, all right, maybe the deluxe plan. You know, two bucks for 5,000 weeks. What do you say?
Woody: Well, it's a tough choice, but I think out of those, I'll stick to the whole thing at once.
Sam: You're kidding me!
Woody: No.
Sam: No, you're missing the obvious benefit of spreading out the tax burden. Am I right, Norm?
Norm: Oh, yeah. Great plan. You'll be real happy you did it when you reach the age of 412, I think.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Good Lord, Sam, isn't this the tenth football game you've watched today?
Sam: It only seems that way. That's the beauty of football.
Diane: Ah, Sundays. The incessant drone of the television, the stench of beer and monosyllabic conversation.
Sam: That's it. Get into it, girl.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I've been observing what's been going on over here and I have something to say.
Sam: Listen up here, Woody.
Frasier: Do you realize that in the course of the evening, Diane has made 17 errors in the areas of grammar etiquette and statement of fact?
Diane: Frasier, your pedantry is insufferable. And you suck eggs.

Quote from Woody

Diane: Woody, I want to speak metaphysically.
Woody: And you need money for the language lessons. No problem.

Quote from Paul

Sam: Here you go. Seventy-five big ones. Paul, second place. Twenty-five.
Paul: You did good, kid, but I still think I got a more reliable system.
Norm: Yeah? I could really use one. What's yours?
Paul: I just bet opposite whatever you pick.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Sam, that guy still didn't show up with the money. He is gonna give it to me, isn't he?
Carla: Of course he will. No bookie would welsh on a bet. He'd be the lowest spitwad on earth.
Sam: Actually, murderers are lower.
Woody: You know, back home we'd take welshers, rub them with bacon fat and throw them in the sty with Romeo, the friendly hog.

Quote from Sam

Sam: How'd it go?
Diane: Not well. Sam, I feel utterly defeated. Here you came to me as a friend asking for my advice, and I let you down.
Sam: I know.
Diane: Is there anything I can do to help you in this time of crisis?
Sam: Not dressed.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Sit down, Woody. I've been trying to think of an easy way of saying this, but I don't think there is any. I never placed your bet with my bookie. Here's your thousand dollars back.
Woody: You never placed the bet?
Sam: No, I was trying to take care of you the way Coach used to take care of me. And it worked out about as well, too, which scares the hell out of me.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, hey! Would you two cut it out. You're drowning out a perfectly good tire commercial.

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