Cliff: Hey, Coach, if you serve that beer any slower, it's going to be vinegar before I get to it.
Coach: Oh, didn't I tell you, Cliff? I'm on the verge of setting a new monthly record for fewest glasses broken.
Cliff: Oh, that's great, Coach. How close are you?
Coach: Oh, I just have to make it to midnight without breaking seven glasses. [Coach drops a glass]
Cliff: Ooh. Oh, holy keote, Coach, there must be at least four inches of feathers down there.
Coach: Six inches, Cliffo. You can't be too careful when you're going for a record.
Cliff: Oh, Coach, I never thought I'd see the day when you're work with a net.
[Coach emerges from behind the bar with the bottom six inches of his body caked in feathers]
Coach: And you never will.

Mail Man: Here's your mail.
Coach: Oh, thanks.
Mail Man: I'm afraid they're all bills.
Coach: Oh, good, I'll give them to Bill the moment he comes in.
Mail Man: That's pretty funny.
Coach: Oh, thank you.

Cliff: Coach, set me up with another beer. Where's Normie, Carlie? I've got a great story to tell him.
Carla: Ain't my job to keep tabs on the walking beer keg. Besides, who cares about your stupid story?
Cliff: Uh, thank you, Carla.

Cliff: Who's your funny friend here?
Norm: Sorry. Cliff Clavin, George Foley.
Cliff: Pleasure.
Norm: We met at unemployment.
Cliff: Oh ,what line of work are you out of?
George: I'm a tree surgeon. I quit cos I fainted at the sight of sap. [laughs] In fact, I'm getting a little woozy right now.
Cliff: Ah, very humorous.
Cliff: Norm, I heard a great joke down by the sorting machine.
Norm: Can it wait, Cliff? George claims he can run the table before I chalk my cue stick. Put your money where your mouth is.
George: I tried it but the bills got sodden.

Diane: Coach, two vodka rocks. We never get holidays off. It's George Washington's birthday weekend and we're all going to be stuck here.
Carla: Sam won't. This is when he goes on a ski trip.
Diane: What ski trip?
Carla: Well, he and his baseball cronies go to Vermont same week every year. They rent a chalet, go skiing and melt a few snow bunnies. They've been doing it for years.
Diane: Of course he won't be doing it this year.
Carla: Why not?
Diane: Because he's involved with me now.
Carla: I know, but I still believe in the old Sam Malone. I say he's still got some hair on his butt.

Diane: Sam, what's the matter?
Sam: Oh, I just got a call from my Aunt Alice this afternoon. Uncle Nathan died yesterday.
Diane: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Coach: Oh, what a shame, Sam. Was he sick long?
Sam: No, Coach. He was hit by a bus.
Coach: Well, that's comforting.

Sam: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to leave right now. I gotta go to Vermont, the funeral's up there.
Diane: Did you say Vermont?
Carla: My condolences in your time of sorrow.
Sam: Oh, thank you, Carla.
Carla: I was talking to Diane.

Diane: Well, I think I should come along. I should be with you at a time like this.
Sam: Uh, no, no. I think it would just be too depressing for you. Anyway, I'm going to be staying at my aunt's house and she doesn't believe in unmarried couples sleeping together.
Diane: We don't have to sleep together.
Sam: Well, why would you be coming, then?

Norm: Whoo, that guy is good. He made me look like a big dope out there, Cliffie.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, what did he do, turn the lights on?

George: Hey, come on, let's go get a burger. I know where have they the best in town.
Norm: Hey, okay. Scarf city.
Cliff: [wails]
Norm: Uh, George, on second thoughts, I don't think I'll go.
George: You sure, Norm?
Norm: Yeah, I'm not too hungry.
George: Okay, Norm. Whatever you say. I'll go alone.
Cliff: Hey, the best burgers in town you say?
George: Absolutely.
Cliff: I'd love a good burger.
George: Glad to hear it. [exits]
Norm: You were going to go with him, weren't you?
Cliff: With that jerk? Ah, I was trying to get his hopes up there, Norm.