Rebecca: God, that is the fourth temp waitress we've gone through. I hate this bar.
Man #1: Excuse me, Miss, can we get some service?
Rebecca: Yes, sir.
Woman: Miss, this martini is too dry.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take care of that. [to Sam] I've had it. Isn't Carla ever coming back? I was not born to be a waitress. I was born to manage waitresses.
Man #2: Oh, Miss? You'll get it when I'm damn good and ready! Oh, God.

Rebecca: [on the phone] Sam, we're over here at Carla's, but things aren't going very well. I thought that maybe you guys could come over and crash the party. You know, something to shake things up a little bit? I'm desperate.
Sam: Oh, really? I bet you're kind of sexy when you're desperate, huh? Breathing heavily?
Rebecca: Sam.
Sam: Is your chest heaving?
Rebecca: Sam, please.
Sam: Is your nightgown clinging to your sweat-soaked body?
Rebecca: Yes.
Sam: We're on our way.

Rebecca: [rings bell] Attention, everyone, attention! I'm getting rid of that television. [guys groan] And I am replacing it this weekend with a new 27-inch screen TV with a direct hookup to the Cable Sports Channel. Thank you. [guys applaud and cheer] Kind of a jerky thing to do, but I liked it.

Cliff: Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez has got a glass jaw.
Woody: My uncle Fergie had a glass eye. He used to take it out and scare the cat.

Anthony: Uh, and who knows, Ma? Someday well, you can look forward to having grandkids.
Sam: [laughing] Carla, a grandmother? You've got to be kidding.
Carla: No, no. Sammy, it's true. I think I'd like to be a grandmother someday. I mean, get all the fun, none of the responsibility. Just seeing the little brats when I want to. I think you're gonna be surprised what a sweet little old granny I'll be.
Anthony: That's great, 'cause I knocked up Annie good.
Carla: What!?
[Carla climbs across the table to strangle Anthony]
Eddie LeBec: Hey, hey, hey! Oh! Oh! Carla! Carla! Carla! What are you thinking of?! I just waxed that table.

Sam: So what kind of car do you drive, Ed?
Anthony: I thought you said you wanted to be a grandmother.
Carla: Someday. Like years from now, when you've moved thousands of miles away.
Eddie LeBec: Carla, please.
Sam: I drive a Corvette myself.
Carla: How could you do this?!
Annie: Hey, I'm going to be 20 in two years. I can hear my biological clock ticking.
Carla: Do you know what it takes to raise a kid?
Anthony: Ma, will you relax? I got a job.
Carla: You think you can support a family pushing cheeseburgers?!
Anthony: Well, I thought we'd all stay here.
Carla: Ho-ho, great. More people in this house.
Sam: I get about 19 on the highway, 15 in town.
Carla: Whose stupid idea was this anyway?
Annie: Hey, I was getting bored sitting around the house.
Anthony: I thought this might give her something to do.
Carla: I'll give you something to do!
[Carla beats Anthony with a baguette from the table]

Eddie LeBec: Carla, Carla, Carla! Come on.
Annie: Well if this is the way that we are going to be treated on the happiest day of our young lives, then I don't want to live in this house anymore! Anthony! You should probably come with me.
Anthony: But we haven't eaten yet.
Annie: Your hair is full of bread crumbs. We could butter your head and make a sandwich.
Anthony: I had a sandwich for lunch!
Carla: Oh, go on. Go, go! Get out of here! Let's see how long you last on your own! I give you three days! Two, two tops! You hear me?
Sam: Carla, come on. Calm down.
Eddie LeBec: Sammy, you get 15 in the city?

Rebecca: I hired you as a temporary waitress. What on earth were you doing with your blouse off?
Cherry: Serving drinks.
Rebecca: This is not a topless bar.
Cherry: What, I'm supposed to get tips for good service?
Rebecca: Yes, dear, that's the way we do it around here.
Cherry: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't beauties like these under wraps.
Rebecca: Out. Out!

Woody: Well, we tried to cheer up Carla, but I don't think it worked.
Sam: Yeah? How far did you get?
Woody: About a half block away. She hit Mr. Clavin with a rock.
Cliff: Woody, uh, would you have a little look-see? Is there a lump up there?
Woody: Well, let's see. No. Gee, Mr. Clavin, do you pluck your eyebrows?

Rebecca: All right, I'm gonna put on the 45s. Where's Carla?
Eddie LeBec: She's in the back room knitting.
Rebecca: Oh, that's a sign she's perking up.
Eddie LeBec: I don't think so. It's her death shroud.