Rebecca: You're probably right. I mean, you always did know best. But then again, I mean, you went to bed with Sam, so that makes... Ah, I'm just so confused.
Alice: Rebecca, slow down. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and get a handle on your feelings.
Rebecca: All right. On one hand, I'm a little disappointed with you for what you've done. But on the other hand, I mean, I think, well, hell, it's your life. I mean, you know what you want...
Alice: Rebecca, choose.
Rebecca: You're a slut!
Alice: Very good. That's the first time I've ever heard you take a stand without worrying about offending someone.
Rebecca: You're a soulless pig of a rotten slut! Slut!
Alice: Now I'm offended.
Rebecca: I'm sorry. I take it all back.
Alice: Oh, don't do that. I was just beginning to respect you.
Rebecca: Oh, slut.
Alice: Now you're just trying to kiss up.

Rebecca: Alice, I have something for you. It's something very special, and it's something that I have waited a very long time to give you.
Alice: Wha... this is your term paper from January, 1977.
Rebecca: Yeah. I bet you thought that I'd stopped working on it.
Alice: Oh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to knock you down a half a grade for being tardy.
Rebecca: It's just that I wanted it off my conscience. It's the first "F" I ever got. But then it led to all those other Fs, so l... I wanted to feel a sense of completion. Granted, it's a tad bit dated in places.
Alice: "Jimmy Carter, the three term president."
Rebecca: It could still happen. He was a physicist, did you know that? Yes. Page two.

Carla: I'm getting audited. Next stop, prison. What am I going to do?
Cliff: Probably make license plates.

Norm: Come on, audits happen every day. I did thousands of them when I was an accountant. All you need to do is get yourself a good accountant.
Carla: I don't have time for that. Will you do it, Norm?
Norm: Sorry, Carla. I'm a painter now. Can't do it. But if you do want your jail cell painted Navajo white, I've got an extra...
Carla: Listen, I am desperate. I'll pay you.
Norm: OK. All right, I'll do it. All right, fair enough. I think what you have to do is bury the auditor in paperwork, all right? I want you to get your hands on receipts. Any receipt you have, all right. If you don't have them, just make them up.
Carla: That's illegal.
Norm: All right. Forget it, then.
Carla: No, not at all. The kids will love it. We'll make it a family project.

Rebecca: Maybe I am getting a little bit crazy. It's just that I don't know why somebody like Professor Volkman would come and see somebody like me. You see, I was sort of a mess in school. And I was always sucking up to people, you know, always trying to please everybody.
Norm: Now, how have you changed?
Rebecca: I got my braces off. Oh, I hope she likes my teeth. Sam, what do you think?
Sam: They look pretty good to me. Let's give them a taste.
Rebecca: Oh, ick. Don't say stupid things like that when you're around her.

Alice: I'm Alice Volkman. I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca: Oh, God. [hits head on table] Ow!
Alice: Never mind. I think I've found her.

Rebecca: Oh, Sam, this is Alice Anne Volkman, one of the finest, most inspiring educators and business minds of our time. Alice, this is Sam... A flunky.

Sam: Listen, I hope this is not a bad time to ask you this, but, uh, l... I'm thinking about buying back this bar. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to save a lot of money.
Rebecca: No, Sam, excuse me, but Alice and I have reservations up at Melville's.
Sam: Well, maybe I could just tag along. I won't be in the way. Come on, I'll treat, huh?
Alice: Oh, well, if that's your idea of saving money, we do need to talk. Come on, kids. It's on me.
Sam: Great.

Carla: Oh, listen, if you guys are going up to Melville's to have one of their special dinners with all the appetizers and the desserts and everything, would you bring back something for me?
Sam: Sure. What do you want?
Carla: Your receipt.

Alice: You know, I'm really impressed you read my book.
Rebecca: I read it, too... In hardcover.
Alice: Well, you should have waited for the paperback. Saved a few bucks.
Rebecca: Oh, I didn't buy it. I checked it out of the library.
Alice: Oh, there go those royalties.