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‘Sammy and the Professor’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Sammy and the Professor

813. Sammy and the Professor

Aired January 4, 1990

Rebecca is excited to have dinner with her old college professor, until Sam tags along. Meanwhile, Carla is audited by the IRS.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, Sammy, maybe when she comes here, you can ask her some business tips on how to buy back Cheers.
Sam: Oh, that's a good idea, man.
Norm: Sammy, you seem like shocked that I had a good idea.
Sam: Oh, no. l... I didn't mean it that way.
Norm: Actually, I'm kind of surprised, too. I think I'll celebrate by having a beer. Damn, there's another good idea. Wow. I hope this isn't it for the year.

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Quote from Rebecca

Sam: You know what I love about your book is the way you lay out that whole philosophy thing... Dare, decide it, do it. That's just so memorable.
Alice: Well, that was no accident. The common denominator is commitment.
Sam: Plus they all begin with Ds.
Alice: Yeah, well... The key is decisiveness. You know, that was always Rebecca's failing in school. She could never take a stand. She always had to ask what somebody else thought before she knew what she thought.
Rebecca: But I've changed since then.
Waiter: Have you made a decision, ma'am? The rest of your party are halfway through their salads.
Rebecca: Is the swordfish fresh?
Waiter: It was when you started ordering.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: All right, I know what I want now. Not chicken.
Sam: I'll have the spinach salad, lamb chops in mint jelly, and the broiled new potatoes.
Rebecca: That sounds good. How'd you come up with such a great combo?
Sam: It's the number 2.
Rebecca: What's this?
Waiter: It's our dessert menu. I thought you might like to hit the ground running.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Boy, it's getting scary around here.
Norm: Why do you say that, Woody?
Woody: Well, I mean, if Carla's getting audited, can I be far behind?
Norm: Come on, Woody. From what you make, and the way you handle it, if you made a dollar less, I do believe you'd qualify for food stamps.
Woody: All right. Then I'm sitting pretty.

Quote from Carla

Donald Zajac: Is there a Mrs. Carla LeBec here?
Carla: Who wants to know?
Donald Zajac: I'm Donald Zajac, Internal Revenue Service.
Carla: I'm the Widow LeBec.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Hey, Carla.
Carla: This is a black, black day.
Sam: The school out already?
Carla: Worse. I got a letter from the IRS.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: OK, everybody get to work. Woody, polish the bar rails. Carla, scrape all the gum from underneath the table tops.
Carla: Why should l?
Rebecca: Because you put it there.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: I have a great deal of respect for Alice Anne Volkman. She's not only a remarkable teacher and lecturer, but also the author of a book that's on the best-sellers list. Maybe you've heard of it, "Speak Out and Score".
Sam: Oh, yeah. I read that book.
Rebecca: You read her book? You read a book?
Sam: Well... To tell you the truth, it was an accident. I mean, who knew "Speak Out and Score" would be about business? I thought it was about babes, you know. You know, oddly enough, that business stuff really works on babes.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, teach, Carla LeBec. Listen, I got this, uh, business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS, and I'm a little scared.
Alice: Oh, well, don't be. The lRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people... Just like you.
Carla: Boy, I'm in worse trouble than I thought.

Quote from Rebecca

Alice: You had a question about how to buy Cheers?
Sam: Yes, I do.
Alice: What's the question?
Sam: How do I buy Cheers?
Rebecca: Sam, forget it. It's just a pipe dream. It's never going to happen.
Alice: Oh, Rebecca, nothing's impossible.
Rebecca: Nothing's impossible. If you put your mind to it, you can do it. We have faith in you.
Alice: Rebecca, honey, relax. You don't have to impress me. You never did.
Rebecca: I never did have to impress you, or I never did impress you?
Alice: Hmm, that's a pick 'em.

Quote from Carla

Donald Zajac: Mrs. LeBec, do you own this bar?
Carla: Get out of here. Do I look like I own this bar?
Donald Zajac: Frankly, no. But someone with an income of $1.3 million obviously isn't a cocktail waitress.
Norm: Don, is that you?
Donald Zajac: Hey, Peterson, how are you doing?
Norm: All right, buddy. Whoa. Hey, you think Carla owns this place? That's some kind of major snafu, pal. What have you got, one of those American-made computers?
Donald Zajac: I guess you're right, Norman. If she made that kind of money, why would she dress like this?
Carla: [laughs] These are my good clothes. [all laugh] I even got my hair done.
Norm: Oh, the thought that Carla could ever pull down a million bucks is absolutely nuts. All the tips she's ever made in her life wouldn't amount to that, even if she did report it, you know what I mean? [laughs] Well, carry on.
Donald Zajac: Uh, I think you'd better come with me, Mrs. LeBec, and get your receipts. And they all better be genuine.
Carla: I'm going to get you, Norm. I don't care if they put me in solitary confinement with nothing but bread and water. I'll survive, because I got a mission... Get Norm Peterson! You remember, I got friends on the outside!
Norm: By the way, Carla, no charge.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Last call, everybody!
Woody: Already? Boy, I can't believe it.
Norm: Oh. Time plays funny tricks on you when you get older, Woody.
Cliff: Yeah. You're not a kid anymore, Woodman.
Frasier: Yes. Life rushes past you. Months and years seem to blend into one indistinguishable blur, while from behind you hear the steady relentless beat of the approaching wings of grim-faced death.
Woody: I just meant my watch was slow, but now I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Sammy, I just said it was from the IRS, the guys who got Al Capone.
Frasier: Well, Carla, being afraid of one of the most omnipotent and powerful agencies in the world is, of course, quite understandable, but the anxiety caused by not dealing with what's in that letter is far worse than the real situation.
Carla: Yeah. Maybe you guys are right.
Frasier: Nothing to fear but fear itself.
Carla: I'm getting audited.
Frasier: And that.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Come on, you guys. My favorite college professor's coming to town. I've invited her to dinner. Oh, Sam, straighten up all those cocktail napkins. I want all the jokes pointing in the same direction.
Sam: Whoa, whoa. Don't you think you're going overboard on these superficial little things? I mean, who's going to notice?
Rebecca: Sam, your hair's clumping up a little bit on this side.
Sam: What? Oh, hey, guys, you're supposed to tell me when this happens!

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Sam, I do not want you talking to her about business or babes or anything else. I am trying to impress the woman.
Carla: And you asked her to meet you here? You asked her to meet you, period? Honey, catch a train to reality.
Rebecca: [scrapes off chewing gum] Eww! This piece is fresh.
Carla: Oh. Hey, I was looking for that one. It has some good chews left.
Rebecca: Ugh.

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