Carla: Norman, are you sure you want to have a kid? You know, once the monster comes along, your whole life is gonna be different.
Norm: Yeah? Well, Coach, you've had kids. Does a baby change you?
Coach: Are you kidding, Normie? It can't even change itself.
Norm: Well, I'll have to remember that.

Carla: He's turning into a real jerk, you know. He spends all his time boozing, chasing skirts, and loving and leaving waitresses.
Norm: I wonder what set him off. Suppose maybe it might have been Dia- [Norm groans as Carla grabs him by the hair] Diabetes!
Carla: You were going to say that name, weren't you?
Norm: No, I wasn't.
Carla: Yes, you were. You know my rule.
Norm: But I didn't say it.
Carla: I don't even want you to think it. Use that name and I will give you a sunroof.

Norm: [enters] Well, I'm back.
All: Norm!
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: A transfusion with a head on it.

Coach: Because a friend of yours is dropping by this afternoon, and I kind of promised, you know, I'd keep you here.
Sam: Oh, hey, great! One of my old buds? I smell high times coming.
Coach: Well, actually it's one of your old girlfriends.
Sam: Ooh, better still. Hope it's one of the wild ones, Coach. But then again, they were all wild, weren't they?
Coach: Well, no, they weren't all wild.
Carla: Hold it right there, Coach! If you are talking about the- [rips off Coach's clip-on tie] If you are talking about the stick, I'm going to pull your lower lip up over your head like a cabbage leaf.

Diane: Well, let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me, and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.
Sam: Just once more time. You did not walk out of here, I kicked you out. And I would do it again, except no man deserves that much pleasure in one life.
Diane: Your brain could find shelter in the shade of a snow pea.

Diane: I entered Golden Brook of my own volition for a little rest, relaxation... [Sam laughs] What are you laughing at?
Sam: Well, I've had women get depressed when they left me, but I've never had one that went... [makes goofy noises]
Diane: Charm like yours is a hard thing to live without all right. It had nothing to do with you, Sam. After I left here, I decided I needed to regroup. I needed to go some place and take a good look at myself.
Carla: Ah, shock treatment.
Diane: Carla, let's help Sam first. And when the psychiatric profession has gained confidence from that triumph, we'll put every man Jack of them on your case.

Norm: [enters] Good afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: You know how to make it sound tempting, you fast talker!

Diane: Who is it?
Coach: [o.s.] It's Ernie Pantusso.
Diane: Coach? What do you want?
Coach: [o.s.] Diane, I have to talk to you. It's important.
Diane: Coach, you're a dear man and I love you and I've missed you, but you're part of a period of my life that I want to see fade into memory. Do you understand, Coach? [silence] Coach?
Coach: [o.s.] Western Union.
Diane: This is a man I could never resist. [opens door] How have you been?
Coach: I'm fine, honey. How have you been?
Diane: I'm OK, thank you.
Coach: I'm sorry I had to fool you that way.

Carla: We lost another waitress because she said she found out she wasn't the only girl in your life.
Sam: Oh, nonsense, Carla. She's been listening to vicious rumors.
Carla: Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again. And we can't keep a waitress in here because you keep breaking their hearts.
Sam: Well, obviously I need a good talking to.
Carla: [screams] Sammy, this is serious! [Sam kisses Carla on the forehead] We have gone through eight waitresses in six months.
Sam: Bet you I can remember all their names. Dee Dee, Carlene, Angela, Sneezy, Dopey, Donner and Blitzen.

Cliff: So, hi, Coach.
Coach: Hi, Cliffie.
Cliff: Boy, did I have a spectacular time down there in Florida. Basking up the old Florida sunshine. Whoo, I'll tell you. I really got my head screwed on straight, too. You know, Coach, that experience changed me. I'm now at one with the cosmos. [Coach starts the blender] No more getting caught up- At one with the cosmos, Coach.
No more getting caught up in the [blender] petty irritations of day-to-day life, I'm just the kinda guy- Yeah, I stood on many a wind-swept beach [blender] and felt a oneness, felt a-
[Cliff stops the blender, removes the lid, grabs Coach's clip-on tie, stuffs it in the blender, and turns it on. Coach stops the blender and removes his soaked tie]
Coach: Anybody want a Mai Tai? [laughs] Mai Tai, Cliff! Lookiy look! You get it? Mai Tai, Cliffie!