Diane: Sam, do yourself a favor. Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts. I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Sam: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
Diane: I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you. A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sam: You know, well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Phew.

Leo: Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiance, who's black.
Coach: I've been thinking about that, and It's a tough one, but I think I've got it.
Leo: Well, but wait a minute cos there's more.
Coach: No, Leo. Hold it, Leo. Leo, it's a problem of communication. Here's what you do, when you get home, you sit the kids down and say to your boy- What's your boy's name?
Leo: Ron.
Coach: Uh, Ron. What's Ron's fiance's name?
Leo: Rick.
Coach: Rick. So, you say... You say, "Rick, Ron..." Rick and Ron?
Norm: Suck it up, Coachie. Hang tough in there.
Coach: Leo... Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
Leo: I can't do that. I love the kid.
Coach: Oh.
Leo: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Coach: You do? What?
Leo: If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Coach: Boy, that's good.
Leo: When you put it that way, what choice do I have? Thanks, Coach. You know, you're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Coach: Leo, even Gus isn't Gus any more.

Sam: Well, I guess I've never... I've never looked into your eyes.
Diane: Something wrong with them?
Sam: No. I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was, uh... I was on a ski weekend up at Stowe. I was coming in late one day, last person off the slope as the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I had somebody there to share it with. Afterwards, I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that color, that I hadn't really seen it, that nothing on this earth could be that beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Diane is silent] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: An intelligent woman would see right through that.
Diane: Oh. Oh! In a minute.
Sam: Damn. [Diane downs a shot]