Carla: Good-bye, Mama. I love you.
Mama Lozupone: Mmm. See you next week.
Carla: Oh, wait a minute, I almost forgot something. Good night, Sammy.
Sam: [muffled] Carla, please let me out. Please.
Carla: Sammy, would you stop whining? It's a family tradition. You cross Mama, you sleep in the wall.
Sam: [muffled shouting]

Sal: You guys want a beer?
Carla: This is kind of a solemn occasion, Sal.
Sal: Malt liquor?

Carla: Mama, you are the only one who even cares about that stupid name. Everybody else agrees with me, right?
Zia: Oh, you're an ungrateful child.
Sal: You make me sick.
Angeline: Bitch.
Carla: Okay. Well, just forget all of you. I hate this family. I hate this house. I just never want to come back here again. I swear it. I swear it a million times. I swear on my children's eyes, I am never, ever, ever setting foot in this stupid, ugly, stinkin' rattrap again. [exits]
Sam: Well, there goes my ride.

Gino: Hey, Ma.
Sam: Gino, what are you doing here?
Gino: Well, Ma, I was thinking about all that stuff you said, you know about-about making Grandma happy, and I was talking it over with MC and the Madonnas, and I figured, heck, if it'll keep this family together, someone's gotta do it. Ma, I'll be Benito Mussolini.
Carla: Look, Gino, do you even have any idea who Mussolini was?
Gino: Well, no, I didn't before, but then Anthony told me all about him. Ma, this guy ran this whole country. And do you know what they called him? They called him ll Duce. Huh? The Dooch. Hey, yeah, that's right. It's me, Dooch Tortelli.
Carla: That is a horrible name, and I never want to hear it again. It sounds awful. [phone rings] I hate that name, and I hate Mama for asking me to give it to you.
Woody: [hangs up the phone] Okay. Carla, that was your brother. He said to get over there right away. Your mother's going fast.
Carla: No. I swore I'd never go back in that house again. I have my pride.
Sam: Okay. Gino, want to grab her feet, I'll get the rest of her. Come here, come here, come on, come on, come on.
Carla: No! No! Put me down! Put me down! I don't want to go! Would you hoist me a little higher, guys? I'd like to have some butt left when I get there.

Norm: All right, okay, here's one. Hayley Mills, playing herself and her twin sister in The Parent Trap.
Sam: All right, all right. Um, how about Elizabeth Montgomery as both Serena and Samantha in Bewitched?
Norm: Ooh! Very nice!
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah.
Sam: All right. Cliffy?
Cliff: Well, uh, Norm, I'd have to say the, uh, queen of the genre, Patty Duke, as both Patty and, uh, the minuet-lovin' Cathy.
Frasier: Oh! What's the topic du jour? Actresses who have played their own look-alikes through the use of trick photography?
Norm: No. Fictional twins we'd like to see making out with each other.

Sam: What's the matter, honey?
Carla: Oh, Sammy, Sammy. It's this stupid family tradition. Since the beginning of time, every woman in our family... [looks at Angeline] who has children... has named one of her sons with the first name of her father and the maiden name of her mother. And I just wouldn't do it.
Sam: I don't mean to take your mother's side here, but what's the big deal? It's just a name.
Carla: Oh, yeah, sure, just a name.
Sam: Why, uh, what was your father's first name?
Carla: Benito.
Sam: And your mother's maiden name?
Carla: Mussolini.
Sam: Yikes. Could I have some more sauce, please?

Mama Lozupone: [moaning]
Zia: [gasps] The death walk.
Mama Lozupone: She's still here. I feel her presence like a shiv in my heart.
Carla: Mama. I'm not rejecting you. I just don't want to name one of my sons Benito Mussolini.
Mama Lozupone: Why not?
Carla: Because, back a few years, there was another Benito Mussolini. Remember him?
Mama Lozupone: I don't see why one Fascist dictator should ruin it for the entire family.

Woody: Hey, Sam, the new Boston Merchants coupon book is out, and I got us in it.
Sam: Oh damn it, Woody! I hate that thing!
Woody: Well, maybe you don't understand how it works.
Sam: Yeah, I do. Guy comes in, gives you a coupon. You give him a free drink, he leaves, you never see him again.
Woody: Well, then you do understand.
Sam: Woody.
Woody: Well, what, Sam? You think it was a bad idea? You think I shouldn't have done it? You think I'm a stupid idiot, right?
Sam: No, no, that's... Yes!
Woody: Well, I... I'm sorry, Sam. I just thought it would attract new customers to the bar.
Sam: Yeah, a-a bunch of deadbeats and freeloaders.
Norm: Yeah. You don't want people like that in here. Another beer, please, Wood.

Woody: Hey, Carla, I got a message for you. Your brother called. Something about a family meeting.
Carla: Oh, yeah? [rips up paper] There!
Woody: Uh, here's your message. That was my paycheck.

Rebecca: Great. Four more freebies, thanks to Woody's stupid coupon book. I'm sorry, Woody. I didn't see you there.
Woody: Of course I'm there. I'm always there. Wherever there's a stupid idea, that's where you'll find me. Stupid old Woody Boyd-- father of stupid thoughts, eye of the stupid storm. I've got to be the stupidest guy on the face of the Earth.
Rebecca: Woody, please don't say that.
Woody: Why not?
Rebecca: Because you are giving me a stupid headache.
Woody: Welcome to my private hell.