Sam: Sweetheart, I- I think it's a great idea-- you know, you running a business-- but you got to understand something. This bar is not for sale at any price, end of story.
Rebecca: Do you really mean that? Because I'm not going to come to you with this offer again.
Sam: Well, I'll just have to live with that. l- l- l'll hold it in my heart and remember all the laughter it brought me. Oh, and by the way, you know, that vermouth is not going to order itself, there, Sparky.
Rebecca: Sam! [Sam laughs] Come on.
Sam: I'm sorry. You're right, I'm not taking you seriously here. I got to be supportive. All right, uh, tell you what. I will sell you this bar.
Rebecca: You will?
Sam: Yeah. What would be a fair price here? We got liquor, glasses, bar stools. Oh, I don't know, let's say $25 million.
Rebecca: Come on, Sam.
Sam: Oh, don't be so negative. Here, I'll show you how supportive I can be. All right, let's take a collection here for Rebecca. I need a tin can. Oh, yeah, here we go, all right.
Norm: Hey, yo, yo, yo. [Sam empties the beer nuts]
Sam: Whoop. All right, there you go. Okay, let's help, uh, Rebecca pay for this bar here. I'll tell you what, I am going to put in a nickel myself. Now, can anyone, uh, match that? Anybody? Ooh, not looking good here, babe.

Sam: Okay, boys. Tell you what, let's check, uh, Rebecca's tote board here, ladies and gentlemen. All right, you can see her goal here of $25 million. Let's check that against the grand total of-- whoo-- two nickels! All right! Whoo! [throws confetti in Rebecca's face] Uh-oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. That confetti just cost you a nickel. Promotion's not free, you know.
Rebecca: Your jokes are so childish and moronic.
Sam: Well, that's what keeps me young, babe.

Rebecca: Harry, do you think you have enough figures to run the appraisal?
Harry: Well, just one more question. Is that mailman going to be hanging around here?
Rebecca: I don't know.
Harry: Well, I'll run the figures both ways.

Rebecca: Sam, you know what? You never take anything I say seriously. Take this seriously. I will have this bar.
Sam: You're right, I'm sorry. From now on, I'm going to take you seriously.
Rebecca: Good.
Sam: [in low voice] This is me taking Rebecca seriously. Come on, guys, let's all take Rebecca seriously.
Cliff: [in low voice] All right, Sam, well, I'm going to be very serious now.
Norm: [in low voice] Well, what the heck? This is a very serious bar. I'd like a very serious beer, please. [Sam and Norm laughing] No, I'm serious, Sam, I'd like one.

John: Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
John: I've always known that you felt that my owning the pool room and bathrooms was an unwieldy arrangement. So I found a solution.
Sam: Oh, good. What?
John: I've agreed to sell them to Rebecca.
Rebecca: I hope you can afford the new rent, Sam, but if you have any trouble maybe you can throw a little telethon. Tell you what. [low voice] I'm willing to donate a nickel.

Sam: All right. All right. Uh, how much did she offer you?
John: $25,000.
Sam: All right. All right. Uh, $25,000 and one dollar. No, no, $20. Yeah. $25,000 and $20. Let's see you beat that.
Rebecca: $30,000.
Sam: I thought- I thought we were going up in $20.

Rebecca: Oh, Sam! I want to thank you for washing John's car because after he cooks dinner for me tonight, he might want me to go dancing and I want us to look good.
Sam: Oh, that's great. I- I send him flowers and he takes you dancing. [scoffs] Men.
Rebecca: You know, also, you can wax John's car and you can do his menial tasks, but I have something you don't have. See you later... or in the morning.
Woody: What does she mean by that, she has something you don't have? She's got nice hair, you got nice hair. She's got nice eyes, you got nice eyes. She's got... Uh-oh, Sam. You're in big trouble.

John: Come to Papa, Peaches.
Rebecca: Oh, no, no, don't, wait, hold it. You know, there's a joint right around the corner and they sell these carpet cleaning machines. This hot water shoots right into the bristles and it really cleans it up fast!
John: Sounds like fun.
Rebecca: No, I really better be going. You're fast.
John: And agile.

Sam: Oh! Oh! Rebecca. Rebecca. Rebecca.
Rebecca: Sam, I'm really glad to see you.
Sam: I'm just glad I got here in time. I mean, you see what he's driving you to, don't you? You're throwing yourself at a man just to gain material things. You know what that makes you, don't you?
Rebecca: Ahead in the race to get a pool room and two bathrooms.
Sam: Come on, Rebecca. Yeah, you just stay out of this will you, John? Honey, go downstairs, wipe that makeup off, will you? I tell you what, why don't you put on a nice dress or something, maybe call your Mom. Bet it's been a while, hasn't it?
Rebecca: Yeah, yes, Sam, it has.
Sam: Yeah, yeah.
John: Actually it's been a while for me, too, Sam. Thanks for spoiling what was going to be a lovely evening. That certainly endears you to me.
Sam: I just have two words for you, John.
John: What's that?
Sam: Twins. Come on in, girls. Here's Johnny! How do you like these, Johnny boy? Go ahead and touch 'em. They're real.

Rebecca: Oh, I just forgot my- Wha- Who are they?
Sam: Uh, this is not what you think.
Hope: Gee, we never met a big Hollywood producer before.
Sam: All right, it's, it's what you think.
Rebecca: Sam, Sam, look at us.
Sam: I know, I know.
Rebecca: Do you know what he's doing here?
Sam: Yeah.
Rebecca: He's playing us against each other.
Sam: You're right. This is disgusting. You can't make us act like this. You know something? You can keep those stupid old rooms. All bets are off. Come on, let's go.
John: I'm sorry you feel that way. [to the twins] So did Sam explain the part you'll be reading for?