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‘It's a Wonderful Wife’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: It's a Wonderful Wife

921. It's a Wonderful Wife

Aired February 28, 1991

Norm is horrified when Rebecca helps Vera land a job at Melville's. Meanwhile, Sam decides to treat Frasier to the birthday party he never had.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.

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Quote from Lilith

Lilith: I always have such trouble trying to figure out what to get Frasier for his birthday.
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Lilith: Do you think perhaps he'd like a photograph of me?
Sam: Why? I mean... Of course he would. Why would any man not want a picture of his wife?
Henri: I agree. A picture of you is what every man wants. May I have the honor of taking it?
Lilith: Well, perhaps. But I must warn you. I've had bad luck with photographers. It seems they always overexpose the film, and I come out looking white as a ghost.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Norm: Hey, do you want to tell me why you fired Vera?
John: Who are you?
Norm: I'm her husband, Norm.
John: Oh, yes. I didn't recognize you without a bar growing out of your chest.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Hi, guys.
Norm: Oh, Rebecca, there you are. I've been looking everywhere for you.
Rebecca: What are you talking about? You're just sitting there on your bar stool.
Norm: I know. This is where I look from.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Uh, I was thinking more of a photograph of me he could put in his office.
Henri: Mmm-hmm.
Lilith: A nice formal portrait.
Henri: Ah, with just a hint of smoldering sensuality dancing behind your eyes.
Lilith: Well, that goes without saying.

Quote from Norm

John: My good man, you have my sympathy. To be married to her must be quite an ordeal.
Norm: [grabs John] Hey, take that back!
John: What?
Norm: Take that back! You're talking about the woman I love! I want you to take that back before I turn you into a pretzel!
John: Well, that's a shape I'm sure you're familiar with.
Norm: I am not kidding!
John: All right, all right. I take it back. I apologize.
Norm: All right. Now just go on back upstairs before I pound you into a a beer nut!
John: Well, thank you. I'm tiring of the theme.

Quote from Norm

John: Well, I fired her because she wasn't paying attention to her work.
Norm: What are you talking about? She's a very conscientious worker.
John: How would you describe a woman who spends all her time on her hands and knees looking through a knothole in the floor?
Norm: I knew it! [looks up] Yep, there it is! There it is!

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: It went great. I just love her. And guess what? I think I landed her a pretty good job.
Norm: You're joking.
Rebecca: No, no, I still have the touch. I helped her with her resume.
Norm: Where is she working?
Rebecca: Then I got her prepped for the interview.
Norm: Where's she working?
Rebecca: I even loaned her my lucky scarf.
Norm: Yeah, but where is she working?
Vera: [o.s.] Norm!
Norm: Vera! What are you doing up there?
Vera: [o.s.] Check your hat, Mister?
[Norm screams as he runs out of the bar, knocking the balloons out of Frasier's hands again]

Quote from Norm

Sam: Hey, Norm, we need you. Pete just hit a bull's-eye and doubled off. You're our last hope. Norm? Norm?
Norm: She's up there.
Sam: What?
Norm: Listen. [steps thudding above] You hear that?
Sam: Hear what?
Norm: Vera. She's crossing over to the coffee machine. No, wait, they could be moving the piano. Nah, it's her.
Sam: Come on, man.
Norm: I know that walk.
Sam: You can't hear her all the way up there.
Norm: I wish I couldn't, Sam, believe me, but that walk is burned into my brain. I've heard it in snow boots. I've heard it in flip-flops. I've heard it in bare feet. Click-click, click-click, click-click.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Norm, Vera's doing a really good job up there. She is just terrific! And funny! Listen to this. How many fat guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Norm: I don't know.
Rebecca: You can't get a fat guy to change a lightbulb. You can't even get him to come home on Christmas Eve. [laughing hysterically] Oh, she was telling some real cute stories about you, too, Norm. Hey, why didn't you ever tell us that your real first name was Hilary?
Norm: Oh, who cares about that?
Carla: Hey, guys! Norm's real first name is Hilary! [laughter]
Cliff: Hey, wait a minute. Isn't that a girl's name?
Norm: Hilary was my grandfather's name and he once killed a man who laughed at him.
Cliff: What, he just up and killed somebody for laughing at his name?
Norm: Not exactly. He was a surgeon. He sort of botched an operation.
Rebecca: Norm, you don't have to be defensive. I think Hilary's a very masculine name. In fact, I think you ought to have it monogrammed on your purse.

Quote from Woody

Lilith: Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris. And now you're paying him to photograph you?
Woody: Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't have to worry about him paying me back.
Lilith: It's good you worked that out, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, besides, this is the first formal picture I've had taken since my high school yearbook. I hated that one. Darned cowlick.
Sam: Oh, yeah, when your hair all stands up like that?
Woody: Uh-uh.

Quote from Carla

Henri: Oh. I could put roses in your cheeks. And then afterward, maybe I could photograph you. Why don't you come this way? Uh, what do you think you would like to be wearing? Uh... an evening gown? A black lace teddy? My strong male hands?
Lilith: I wasn't thinking of anything like that.
Carla: Oh, come on, Lil, loosen up. Let him snap you in some lingerie. Guys love dirty pictures of their babes. Hey, Nick always used to take them of me until one time I smashed his camera and broke his nose.
Norm: Oh, you got in a fight, huh?
Carla: No, fell off the monkey bars.

Quote from Carla

Lilith: Frasier, you're forgetting what a cheeky monkey I can be. It's a gag gift.
Carla: If you wanted us to gag, you should have taken a nudie.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Wow! Norm, that was sweet. You stood up for your wife.
Norm: Shh, shh, shh.
Rebecca: No, no, no, don't be embarrassed.
Norm: Everyone didn't see that, did they?
Cliff: We saw it.
Carla: I took a picture.
Rebecca: Norm, so what if they did?
Norm: You're right. Listen, I joke around a lot, but she's all I've got. I don't know what I'd do without her. I love her.
Rebecca: That's sweet. You know, she's, she's still up in the stairwell crying.
Norm: Oh, I know. She'll... She'll go away after a while. Yeah, there she goes. You gotta love her!

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Sam. Sorry, they were out of beer nuts and pretzels at the store, but guess what I got? Choco Puffs.
Norm: Hey-hey.
Cliff: Hey, all right.
Norm: Haven't had these since I was a kid.
Cliff: Hey, look at this. Uh, "90% real sugar, ten percent animal fat." God bless America, huh? I always liked eating mine straight from the box.
Sam: They still have prizes in these things?
Woody: Boy, I hope so. I remember when I was a kid, I got one of those lick-and-stick tattoo books. Never wore them though.
Norm: Felt pretty silly, huh?
Woody: No, I'm just waiting for a special occasion.
Norm: Yep, I got a prize.
Sam: Me, too. Dumb BB game.
Norm: Yeah, I got one of those cheap plastic rings.
Woody: Oh, great, another tattoo book. [Cliff coughs]
Norm: Let's see what Cliffie got. [Cliff coughs] Hey, Cliffie got skunked. [laughs]
Cliff: [coughing, whistling] [coughing, whistling]
Woody: Oh, Mr. Clavin got the whistle.

Quote from Sam

John: Sam.
Sam: [mimics John] What?
John: My hatcheck girl is missing from her post. You haven't perchance seen her?
Sam: What's that supposed to mean? Every time something goes wrong in your restaurant it's my fault? Like I'm the one who's supposed to keep track of all your employees? You know, that really ticks me off.
Miss Kenderson: [comes out of Sam's office] Sam, I can't get the sofa bed to fold back up.
John: Miss Kenderson. For the three weeks you've been in my employ as a hatcheck girl, you've spent most of your time downstairs. Today, as luck would have it, we actually had a customer with a hat. And where were you?
Miss Kenderson: Taking a break.
John: It wasn't your break time.
Sam: It was mine.
John: Miss Kenderson, you're terminated. Get your things and clear out.
Miss Kenderson: Fine.
John: Sam, in the future, I'd appreciate you keeping your hands off my hatcheck girls.
Sam: You know, it's your own stupid fault. I mean, I wouldn't touch your hatcheck girls if you'd hire some waitresses.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Hello, all.
Woody: Happy birthday, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why, thank you, Woody. How did you know?
Woody: Well, you left your wallet here last night, so I was looking through it to find out whose it was. Are you really gonna donate your internal organs in case of accident? They take them before you die, you know. Yeah, my uncle was just in a fender bender. They chased him half way down the block.
Frasier: Well, thank you for sharing that with me on my, uh, special day.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: So, you got some big plans, here?
Frasier: Oh, nothing much. I've never been one of those who tend to make a big brouhaha. As my mother always used to tell me, "Don't get excited. It's just another day of the year."
Sam: You're kidding me, you never had parties when you were a kid? Friends over? Cakes? Ice cream?
Frasier: No. Well, once I had a a bran muffin with a pat of oleo.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Hey, Norm, did you hear? We're gonna have a big, uh, birthday bash there for Doc Fras.
Norm: Yeah, great.
Woody: Hey, it'll be exciting, Mr. Peterson. We're gonna have cake and ice cream.
Carla: Yeah, we can go crazy and order from Pizza-Pizza-Pizza-Pizza.
Woody: Oh, what do they serve there?
Carla: Pizza, you dweeb.
Woody: You don't have to bite my head off. I've never been there before.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: I don't know, guys. I'm just not in the mood for a party. I got some bad news.
Cliff: What?
Norm: Vera lost her job. [all groaning]
Cliff: Her, too, huh? Boy, this recession is hitting everybody. Well, they should have gone for the gold and gotten the security of a government job. Yeah, I'll tell you, I could spit on that mail and chuck it down the sewer, and they couldn't fire me.
Woody: How do you know that, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: I- I don't. How about those Celtics, huh?

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