Gary: Okay, I want to see some big smiles. Ladies and gentlemen, Gary's Olde Towne Tavern has the privilege of presenting an act so humiliating, so embarrassing, so degrading that it could only happen to the men of Cheers! Let's hear it for them! [whistles, applause] Gentlemen? [cheers and whistling] Whoo! Whoo! And three, and four, and...
Guys: [sing] Getting to know you Getting to know all about you Getting to like you, hoping that you like me Haven't you noticed? Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all the beautiful and new things I'm learning about you Day by day.

Sam: It was the low point in my life. Never ever have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.
Woody: I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.
Paul: How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?
Norm: Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.
Cliff: You know, I kind of found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.
Norm: Exhilarating?
Cliff: I meant humiliating. It was really humiliating.

Gary: Uh, guys, you've been really good to me, so I'm gonna be good to you. You need a finish.
Sam: Yeah, that's real funny. That's real funny stuff. I'll tell you something, man. I'm gonna get you. I don't care how long it takes, how much money it costs, how many lives are lost, I'm gonna get you, Gary, once and for all.
Gary: Oh, I hope not because I'm still shaking from that terrifying five-dollar-beer prank.
Sam: Yeah, well, I'm still gonna get you.
Norm: Sammy, let's just give it up.
Sam: No! Never! I tell you I'm gonna get that guy. I don't give a... Oh, you know Oh, yes, yes-yes-yes. There's one guy who can help us out here, fellows. I'm calling in Harry the Hat. [all exclaim]

Norm: You know, my underwear's a little tight.
Cliff: It's funny, mine's a little loose. [both scream]

Harry: Let me get this straight. Over the years, Gary has put sheep in your office, had exterminators shut you down, and then yesterday he built a brick wall around the bar and had you perform naked?
Sam: Listen, we need your help bad.
Harry: I'm sorry, Sam, I'm not interested.
Sam: Oh, all right, fine. Fine, Harr. What is your price?
Harry: No, I don't want your money, Sam. Besides, if I did, I could take it. I kind of like you guys. So let me give you a piece of advice: stop trying to top Gary. You're never gonna beat him. Face it. You're a bunch of losers. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's your nature you know? It's the way God made you. You're part of his master plan. If it weren't for you guys, how would we know who the winners were?

Cliff: No, we're not losers.
Harry: All right, fine, have it your way. Woody, give me a beer, huh?
Woody: Sure.
Cliff: Yeah, but don't forget to charge him, Woody. Get some money out of him.
Harry: Yeah, all right, all right. What do I owe you, Woody?
Woody: Well, that'll be two dollars.
Harry: Hey, you know, I got a lot of change here. Will you take all this and give me a 20?
Cliff: Well, you know, be careful of that Woody. I think he's pulling his flimflam short change thing here.
Harry: Really?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Count the money.
Woody: Oh. Oh, this isn't right.
Cliff: Aha. Yeah, see?
Woody: You gave me too much.
Cliff: Huh?
Harry: That's your tip, Woody.
Woody: Oh, no, I'm not falling for that. I'll just keep the two dollars for the beer.
Cliff: Yeah. See, Harry? We're not as stupid as you think we are.
Harry: No, I guess you're not. Here's your wallet, Cliff.

Sam: Aw, who are we kidding, you guys? We might as well just quit.
Carla: Hey, wait, wait a minute. What are you saying? You mean after Gary's done to us, you're just gonna roll over and die? You're gonna walk away? You're gonna be a quitter, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, Carla, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna quit! I'm tired of losing to the guy. Tomorrow I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna make my peace with him once and for all.
Carla: Well, go. But I'm not lettin' him off the hook. This is personal now. And I don't know what, I don't know, but I swear I am gonna do something to that guy.
Norm: Look, Carla, we're willing to give in. You should, too. It's not like you had to dance naked over there.
Carla: No, but I had to look at it on videotape.
Norm: Gary's selling videotapes?
Carla: No, He's giving them away with every five-dollar beer.

Sam: Carla! I just came back from Gary's! Wha, what were you thinking?! Are you crazy?!
Carla: I really got him good, didn't l, Sam?
Sam: Got him good? Honey, we're in serious trouble here!
Carla: What are you talking about?
Gary: [enters] Malone! You went way too far this time. You're gonna go to jail for this!
Sam: I swear to God, Gare, we had nothing to do with this. Wha- What are you talking about? Just yesterday, you swore in front of witnesses that, that you were gonna ruin me. You said you'd do anything!
Woody: That's true, Sam. I was there.
Gary: Well, what the hell were you thinking, Malone? Did you think you were gonna get away with this?! Well, forget about it. I'm gonna call the cops.
Carla: The cops?! Wait a minute! Putting a rat in a heating system isn't even a misdemeanor!

Sam: Please, man, don't bring the cops into this. Listen, l- l'm begging you. I'm on my knees here.
Gary: No, you're not.
Sam: Oh. [kneels down] Please
Gary: Oh, and this is supposed to be enough?
Sam: Help me out here, will ya? Come on.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[The guys get down on their knees]
Gary: Sam! [takes a photograph] Ha-ha, I gotcha! That's news.
Sam: What's, what's going on here?
Gary: You fell for it. It was a trick.
Sam: What is a trick? I saw your bar being bulldozed!
Carla: Somebody bulldozed your bar?
Gary: I bulldozed my bar. You see, I sold my property to a commercial developer, and he's going to put a shopping center on my old spot. I'm getting a million bucks for it. But the best part is, you guys have humiliated yourselves at the feet of the master one last time.
Woody: Yeah, well, the joke's on you. We happen to need a shopping center in this area.