Tommy: Dick! Dick, guess what? Ms. Dubcek's giving me all her old junk.
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. Yeah, I've got some friends dropping by I haven't seen in 10 years. I'm cleaning out the place.
Tommy: There's some really great stuff in here.
Mrs. Dubcek: Dr. Solomon, if you want to come down, I'll let you rummage through my tchotchkes.
Dick: Oh, I'm- I'm flattered, Mrs. Dubcek, but I think of you more as a friend.

August: "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou-"
Dick: Yes, yes. Very lovely. Darling, what are you playing? Fear, love, lust? Because the audience is playing boredom.
August: I'm playing Juliet, and it's really hard for me to concentrate when you-
Dick: Props? Where's props?
Tommy: [enters] What?
Dick: This candlestick is 18th-century English.
Tommy: Shakespeare was English.
Dick: True. But the play is set in Verona. Please, Tommy, I'm struggling to wring a performance out of this ragtag company of mannequins from the Junior Miss department. I can't do your job too. In the future I suggest you leave it lay. Now, everyone watch once again as I act out the play in its entirety.

Harry: Hey, what you makin'?
Tommy: An authentic renaissance sleeping potion. Now I just have to find a 15th century Italian vial.
Harry: Oh. Well, I find Galileo "vile."

Tommy: Well, here it is, the review in my high school paper.
Dick: The review? Ah, ah, ah. "Dick Solomon's over-the-top performance gave new meaning to the word 'tragedy.'" I have redefined my art, and so I retire.
Harry: No!
Dick: No, no, please, please. To go any further would jeopardize the mission. Tommy, hang up my codpiece.
Tommy: Dick, I'm not your prop lackey anymore. Besides, as of next month, your codpiece turns into Sancho Panza's hat.

Tommy: No, Dick, look, this is important. Take a look at this.
Dick: Actors on Acting?
Tommy: Yeah. You know how you're always trying to find new ways to explore the human feelings?
Dick: Ah, "using your emotional memory , the search for emotional truth will stimulate your emotional juices." "Emotional juices"? I love my juices. This is exciting!

Tommy: What are you watching?
Dick: Oh, it's Hamlet with Lawrence "Oliver." I've watched it three times already.
Tommy: Huh. I like the way he makes his voice... go up and down like that.
Dick: I know. It makes everything he says sound so...
Tommy: Fruity?
Dick: No, important!

Sally: I need your help, Don. I'm in a bit of a scrape.
Don: Figures. Dames like you always attract trouble.
Sally: I got another parking ticket . Can you fix it, Don, or am I leaning too hard?
Don: Go ahead and lean, baby. Don'll make the ticket go away.

Dick: [gasps] Oh, you can make parking tickets disappear?
Sally: Of course he can. Don has connections downtown.
Dick: I have a friend who has some parking tickets.
Don: I can't always-
Sally: Don can fix it, right?
Don: Well, uh...
Sally: Right? [strokes Don's hair]
Don: Sure.
Dick: Oh, this is just great! Oh, I can't wait to tell Mary. [strokes Don's hair]

Dick: Some of you will not be cast. Those will be the lucky ones. Over the long and grueling rehearsal period, I will be your director, your teacher, your mentor, your mother, your father, your lover! My assistant, Nina, will read your names. Nina?
Nina: Okay, um, Timothy Mafferty, he's reading Mercutio.
Timothy: "True, I talk of dreams, which-"
Dick: Yes, yes, yes, of course. But have you tried it like this? Make your voice go high, and then suddenly bring it down. Here. "True, I speak of dreams which are but children of an idle brain, begot of nothing but vain fan...tasies." From now on, I want everyone to try to speak that way. Oh, oh, and use your hands a lot. We're acting. Remember that.

Don: Well, maybe if you got a lenient judge, he might reduce the fine. Your court date is on the 27th. Twenty-seventh... oh. Judge Debelko.
Mary: Sounds bad. Is it bad?
Don: It's bad. You'd be better off with Judge Conti.
Mary: Now, when I go to court, should I apologize to Judge Conti or just show some remorse?
Don: Actually, it might be helpful if you'd show some cleavage.
Mary: He can't be serious.
Sally: Trust me. We're gonna paint your face and hike your puppies. I know what I'm doing. Right, Don?