August: Listen, I'm really sorry you had to be the prop guy, 'cause, you know, if you were cast as Romeo, we could have done some serious making out.
Tommy: We- We could make out right now.
August: With the prop guy? Ha! Sorry.

Mrs. Dubcek: Well, this is the final box. I am beat. Oh, thank you.
Harry: You want some juice?
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, please. I'll have to introduce you to my friends when they drop by. They're lovely, very nice. There's Diane and her husband and Jimmy. Jimmy's an old flame. I knew he'd come back for more. [collapses]
Harry: Come back for more what? I said, "come back for more what?" [screams]
Tommy: What happened? Oh, great! You let her drink the prop?
Harry: Well, at least we know it works. [pokes Mrs. Dubcek]

Cheryl: I beg for justice, which thou, prince, must give. Romeo slew Tybalt, Romeo must not live.
Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You are Lady Capulet. Your kinsman Tybalt has been killed! He's dead! You're asking for justice, not extra pickles on your happy burger. Justice! You're supposed to act! Now bleed! Just act! Now act!
Cheryl: I can't act, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Yes, you can!
Cheryl: [sobs] I can't-- I can't act.
Dick: Do your lines. Now, now!
Cheryl: [sobs] I beg for justice, which thou, prince, must give. Romeo slew Tybalt, Romeo must not live.
Dick: I want everyone to take a good look at Cheryl, because Cheryl is an actor.

Dick: This is just great! Didn't you make an antidote?
Tommy: Hmm, is there one in the play?
Dick: If they see her like this, the spit is really gonna hit the fan.

Sally: What are we gonna do?
Dick: Wait! I have a brilliant idea. Harry, did you know that in a theater of Shakespeare's day, the women's roles were played by men?
Harry: Really?
Tommy: Yeah, and they also tied up bears and threw rocks at 'em.
Dick: It's the role of a lifetime, Harry, an actor's dream. Come on, let's get her in the bathroom.
Harry: I don't want to!
Sally: Dick, you can't pass Harry off as Mrs. Dubcek! They'll know!
Dick: Ah! You forget, they haven't seen her in over 10 years. Besides, Harry has a secret weapon.
Sally: What?
Dick: A great director!

Jimmy: I can't believe she got somebody to pay rent for this crap-hole.
Sally: Yeah, every month.
Tommy: Yeah, and we just love Mrs. Dubcek.
Sally: Ohh.
Tommy: Even more since the accident.
Diane: "Accident"?
Sally: Yes. Changed her, considerably. Uh, and, uh, she refused the estrogen therapy. But don't mention it to her. She's very sensitive.
Jimmy: Is there a bathroom around-
Both: No!
Tommy: We use the one at the gas station.

Diane: Mamie, honey!
Harry: Well, I see you've met my tenants.
Dick: Oh, uh, we love Mrs. Dubcek.
Jimmy: Hi, Mamie.
Harry: Lovely tattoo. Very nice.
Jimmy: I don't blame you for being distant, not after what we went through.
Diane: She and Jimmy used to be engaged.
Dick: Oh, you're jimmy! She mentioned you just the other evening.
Jimmy: I just wanted to say thanks for kicking me out all those years ago. That was the wake-up call that finally got me off the sauce.
Sally: Aww! That's so sweet.
Jimmy: Forgive me?
Harry: Sure.
[After Jimmy bends Harry over and kisses him, Harry jumps into Jimmy's arms and hugs him]
Dick: Stop it, stop it, stop it! [slaps Harry] Uh, uh-- I'm sorry. She had something crawling up her chin. Why don't you all go downstairs and, uh, get reacquainted? Mrs. Dubcek, there we are. Bye, bye, now. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, now.
Harry: Manhandle me again, and you'll answer to Jimmy.

Dick: We are breathing, we are breathing.
Coach Mafferty: All right! Which one of you jamokes is Solomon?
Dick: That would be I.
Coach Mafferty: You're out.
Dick: Out? Who are you?
Coach Mafferty: I'm Coach Mafferty. My wife's with the P.T.A. And there's a lot of complaints that these kids are coming home with low self-esteem, and they're wetting their beds and stuff like that. So you're looking at the new director!
Dick: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Coach Mafferty: Sorry, Spielberg, you're out.
Dick: No, no. Do not weep for me. I humbly quit the stage. No, no, no tears. The theater is a cruel mistress. Adieu, adieu. Remember me.

Dick: Aah! I am hurt! Aye, aye, a scratch, a scratch. Marriage is enough. 'Twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man.
Boy: Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead.
Dick: A plague o' both your houses, for they have made worms' meat of me-e-e!
Boy: Romeo-
Dick: I have it, and soundly too. Your houses! [coughs] I'm dead now.

Judge DeBelko: I've asked you back here for a reason. You seem like an intelligent woman, so I'm going to make you an offer. I will lower the fines, remove the contempt charge, and eliminate the court costs on one condition: you have to promise me that you will spend the weekend with me at a hotel in Chicago.
Mary: The Ambassador East?
Judge DeBelko: The Sheraton.
Mary: No.