Harry: [drinks paint] Wrong, wrong, wrong! How can paint that tastes this good look this bad?

Mary: Well, what I've learned from this book is that "On the Ferris wheel of life, I am the carny holding the throttle." I choose not to break up with you.
Dick: Really? Can you do that?
Mary: Yeah. Yeah. I think you have a tendency to underestimate the--the sickness of the co-dependent relationship. And we're in one, mister, and you're not going anywhere.
Dick: In that case, I need to, uh, uh... "Step off the desperation treadmill and frolic through the forest of solitude with my self elf."
Mary: Self elf? What the hell is that?
Dick: For your information, it is the sprightly inner happiness that you achieve when you spend time with your loving and supportive self, but you would know that if you had read the book.
Mary: I'm at the helm. I'm at the helm.
Dick: Calm, calm, happy, happy.

Harry: Look, I don't need you nagging me, okay, when this has been mocking me day and night. [to the ceiling] Stop it! Shut up! You shut up! What's that? I didn't think I heard you. [grunting] Whoa! It's finished.
Mrs. Dubcek: That's good.So, you gonna paint the garage next?
Harry: Impossible. I've got nothing left to give. [licks paintbrush]

Dick: [converses with a mirror] Hey, good-looking. Having a good time? Oh, of course. Quite a difference, eh? Now that you've eliminated all the problem people in your life, only the happy elite remains: you and me. I guess. Is something wrong, Dick? Wrong? What could be wrong? No one's contradicting me. No one's telling me to lower my voice. No one's told me not to lick the salt and pepper shakers. I'm calm and-and-and I'm happy. It's boring, isn't it. Well, as a matter of fact, it is. You know why? Because there's no conflict here, Dick, and I think you need that. That's not true. Are you so sure? Well, maybe a little. You know what? You're not having a good time here, and frankly, neither am I. You know who's fault that is? Yours? No. It's the book's fault. Oh, my God, you're right! I should have listened to you and not that stupid book. I almost threw away Mary. Yeah, and she's the only good thing you've got going. Yeah. Yeah, never a dull moment with Mary. We better get over there. Yeah, I'm with you. Let's get out of here. Oh, by the way, about the check... I know, I know. I'll get it. You go. Oh, thanks, Dick. You're the greatest! [chuckling] No. Check please!

Harry: Ya know, it's weird. I mean, if a human wants to be rich, or thin, or happy, they gotta read about how to do it in a book.
Sally: Yeah, but all the negative crap seems to come easily.
Dick: Mm, well. There's no book that tells you how to be selfish, stupid, or obnoxious.
Harry: Hey. Maybe you should write one.
Dick: Oh, I could, but I'm too lazy.

Dick: Will this never end? We've been waiting in line for a month!
Mary: D-Do you recall Nina and I even inviting you?
Dick: Well, at least there's a kissing booth at the end. That's something to look forward to.
Mary: There's no kissing booth at the end, and I specifically said "Don't come. You'll be bored, and you'll annoy us."

Sally: Tommy? Tommy! Oh, my God, Tommy, they've brainwashed you into thinking the floors are teeth.
Tommy: Sally, what are you doing here?
Sally: Okay, I came to save your ass. Now jump on my back, and I'm gonna bust you out of this death trap.
Tommy: What are you talking about?
Sally: Hell Week. You told Harry you might not make it. Don't you remember? Tommy? Tommy, are you in there?
Tommy: Sally! I meant I was afraid I might not make it into the frat.
Sally: The frat. Great. Okay. Hell, that was worth a four-hour bus ride.

Dick: Your turn.
Mary: I forgive my mother for making a mess of my childhood.
Dick: Ah. But you're still mad, I can tell. It's Dick 1, Mary zero.
Mary: Dick, this is not a competition.
Dick: That's because you're losing. Okay. It's my turn. I forgive you, Mary, for those 5 pounds you put on last Christmas.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: No, no. It's done.

Tommy: Well, guess what. I'm not afraid of you.
Sally: Maybe not, but I know what you are afraid of. Me.
Tommy: Maybe so, but anything you put me through only makes me stronger.
Sally: Okay, so you're supporting my initial argument.
Tommy: Then I recant.
Sally: If you recant, then you quit.
Tommy: Then I quit.
Sally: You are such a coward. You never deserved to be in this fraternity.
Tommy: Oh, really? Hit me with everything you got.
Sally: How 'bout 10?
Tommy: I'd like to see you try.

Dick: Mary! Wake up!
Mary: Aah! What? What? I was sleeping!
Dick: Hence, the demand. I'm here for a fight!
Mary: Ugh, is this from the book?
Dick: Forget the book! The book just wants to make you happy.
Mary: And... you don't wanna be happy?
Dick: No, not all the time. It's no fun. I need conflict. It makes me feel. It makes me learn. So come on. Bring it!
Mary: No, I don't wanna do that. I'm happy.
Dick: No, you're not.
Mary: Yes, I am.
Dick: No! You're not!
Mary: [shouts] Yes, I am! This is the face of peace and tranquility. Perma-happy Mary.
Dick: God, you're sexy when you're happy.
Mary: Kiss me.