Michael Scott: I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like Friends. I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Michael Scott: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.

Michael Scott: Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim: Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so-
Michael Scott: That's what she said!

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.

Meredith: What about office romance?
Todd: Office relationships are never a good idea. So let's just try to avoid them, but if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Even a one-night stand?

Pam: [to Todd] I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself, but thanks.

Jim: 'cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh, really?
Jim: Yeah. "As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?"

Michael Scott: Okay, what is a lawyer gonna come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious e-mails? Or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them, maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael Scott: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

Michael Scott: What do you say? Jim?
Jim: No thanks, I'm good.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam: My mother's coming.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. [chuckles] No, but, okay, well, suit yourself.

Michael Scott: When I said before that I was "King of Forwards," you gotta understand, that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just delivering drugs from one guy to another.