Michael Scott: I'm so used to being the "bad boy." I am so used to fighting corporate, that I forget that I am corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney, to protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.

Michael Scott: Look, Kevin, we are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family, like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're the same high school class-
Michael Scott: Well, I have a late birthday, and usually September is the cut-off point.

Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Michael Scott: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley. I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael Scott: Well, it's probably because you don't get them.

Michael Scott: A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" [laughs] This is what's at stake.

Todd: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Dwight K. Schrute: So, the monkey does the sex thing right here.
Michael Scott: That's funny. That's funny. Not offensive, because it's nature, educational.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you want the link? 'Cause then you could forward it around. [Michael hems and haws] Consider it?
Michael Scott: Maybe, maybe. Well, we'll see.

Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen.
One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Michael Scott: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: Forward it like it's hot, forward it like it's hot. Old school.

Toby: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes, Toby?
Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott: [clears throat] Literally two seconds?