Dwight K. Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Michael Scott: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, "Let them eat cake." Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Jim: Oh, damn. I lost another file. Gonna have to reboot, again. Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.
[montage:]
Jim: [computer sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jim: [computer sound] Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Jim: [computer sound] Mint, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Mint, Dwight?" Yes.
Jim: [computer sound, Dwight holds out his hand] What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: I- What? I don't know. I- My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

Dwight K. Schrute: Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

Phyllis: Yes. I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Michael Scott: Phyllis is getting married and I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage!"

Michael Scott: There she is. I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.

Michael Scott: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer. And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. I hate you! A long story short, Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that, after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.