Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, well I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.

Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it. Damn it. All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Someone forged medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay, whoa. All right, because that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're faking?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, you did. I know it was you.
Jim: No, I didn't.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine. I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.

Dwight K. Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis."
Jim: Whoo, sounds tough.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm now going to read aloud your submitted conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one. Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight K. Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Great. Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now, who wrote this hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.

Michael Scott: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See, I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.

Jan: We're doing this to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael Scott: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um, it's not going to be a popular decision around the old orifice.

Jan: Michael. Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad new to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Right now, this is just a job.
If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, er... Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Pam: [answering the phone] Dundler Mifflin. This is Pam.
Michael Scott: Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
Michael Scott: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears. I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Is everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out-
Michael Scott: Pam! Whoa! I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Pam: No, you're not.
Michael Scott: I have to make a call after I finish my work. You know what? Just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: Okay.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Oh, here we go again. Gotta go. I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling.