Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama after his epic battle with Ravana, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right. All right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Michael Scott: My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex, people, everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carole probably tonight.

Michael Scott: Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true, because frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [taking out a note] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian. M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense-
Dwight K. Schrute: "I see dead people."
Michael Scott: Okay. Spoiler alert.
Dwight K. Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it.

Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have, that's Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.

Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, "It's- I have- It's so super fun and it's gonna be great." A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley, come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanza.
Michael Scott: Really? You should. It's fun.

Michael Scott: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly, you are on!
Kelly: Diwali is awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit.
Michael Scott: Kelly?
Kelly: It has sparkles-
Michael Scott: Why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?
Kelly: Oh, I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think, maybe more. I don't know.

Andy: We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim: Excuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: Yeah? From Cheers.
Jim: Yeah.

Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.

Kelly: I didn't come to Diwali to get yelled at.
Kelly's Mom: Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome.
Makes good money-
Kelly: Do you think I want to date a doctor?
Kelly's Mom: -And he's a perfect match.