Frankie: Okay, Mike. You might not have missed the kids, but I have, and I don't want the only magnet we have to show for ourselves to be from Orson Gutter & Septic.
Mike: Well, in case you didn't notice, those magnets are holding up our unpaid bills.
Frankie: Well, we'll just have to be creative, then. Come on. Think. Just something quick and cheap that we can look back on when we're old and alone and say, "Hey, remember that thing we did with those kids we used to have?"
Mike: Well, you want quick and cheap, I got quick and cheap for you.
Frankie: Oh, no. Don't say it.
Mike: I'm gonna say it.
Frankie: No, don't say it.
Mike: I'm saying it. Camping. There. I said it.

Frankie: [v.o.] So after five hours driving around town hunting down all our kids, we finally had 'em all in one place to break the good news.
Frankie: Now, we know your friends all had fun this summer going on these great family vacations, and you were thinking, "Gee, we didn't do anything." And me and Dad wanted to spend some time with you before school starts, so... Guess what? We're gonna take a little family vacation of our own. [kids all groan]
Sue: No!
Brick: What?!

Axl: You can't do this! You can't just spring a vacation on us.
Frankie: Jeez, you don't even know what we're doing.
Brick: What are we doing?
Mike: We're going camping.
Kids: No!
Frankie: Yeah. It was your dad's idea.
Axl: Dad!
Sue: Why are you punishing us?
Brick: What did we do?!
Mike: Hey, I was perfectly happy not seeing you kids all summer. This is your mom's thing.

Axl: Can't we at least do something inside that has a TV and isn't gross?
Mike: Look, any motel we can afford is gonna have more bugs than the woods. Just get on board with camping.
Frankie: Guys, camping was not my first choice either by a long shot. But here's an idea. Maybe we just don't use that word. Let's not think of it as camping. Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.
Brick: But we don't wanna go.
Frankie: Fine. Forced family fun.
Axl: You're dragging us into the woods against our will. That's kidnapping.
Mike: Mm, if we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.
Frankie: It's just for two days. [kids groan] Hey, wanna go for three?

Mike: Hey, you see that poplar grove over there? That is one of the oldest in the state of Indiana.
Brick: It says here the tulip poplar, or liriodendron tulipfera, grows to 70 feet and has beautiful flowers.
Mike: I know. I just saw a bunch of 'em right over there.

Frankie: Mike, I'm smelling something really rank. Do you smell that?
Sue: Fine, Axl. Who needs you anyway? I'm sure everything I need to know is in my freshman handbook. Oh, no! I forgot my freshman handbook! Dad, we have to turn around right now! We have to go back!
Axl: There's an idea I can get behind.
Mike: Why don't you get behind the idea of not being a smartass?
Sue: Are you talking to me?
Mike: That's for the whole backseat.

Frankie: How about we all sing a fun family traveling song? [sings] 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around, 98-- [talks] Really? You're all just so busy?

Mike: Hey, I don't wanna hear any more complaints about camping. Camping is gonna be great. [Frankie scoffs] Okay, you can't judge camping from our honeymoon, Frankie. This is a whole new thing.
Sue: You went camping on your honeymoon? Dad, did you really take mom camping? Oh! Is that why she never talks about it?
Mike: It was a perfectly valid honeymoon choice, and, by the way, she was on board with it in the beginning.

[flashback:]
Frankie: So are you gonna tell me where you're taking me on our honeymoon?
Mike: Oh, now that's a surprise, Mrs. Heck.
Frankie: [gasps] "Mrs. Heck." [laughs] I'm Mrs. Heck. I'm a wife. Whoa. I'm a wife. And someday I'm gonna be a mom, and you're gonna be a dad, and our kids will be in the backseat. That'll be fun, don't you think? Us driving around with our two kids?
Mike: We are gonna have awesome kids!

[flashback:]
Frankie: [chuckles] Oh, so... where are you gonna take me?
Mike: You want me to blow the surprise?
Frankie: I really do.
Mike: Well, Mrs. Heck, I am taking you camping.
Frankie: Oh, wow! Camping.
Mike: You're disappointed?
Frankie: No! No. Are you kidding?
Mike: Look, in 10 or 20 years from now, when we got tons of money, we're gonna be able to go on vacation anywhere we want, but you are gonna love this. Trust me.
Frankie: Yeah?
Mike: Yeah. Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world... The stars, the quiet. And you're gonna like me camping. I got some camping moves.
Frankie: Oh!