Chidi: Anyone have any ideas?
Tahani: You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
Eleanor: Okay, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours.

Eleanor: If you're not human, why do you look like us?
Michael: Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.
Eleanor: Gross.
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Eleanor: What do we do?
Jason: We team up with Michael.
Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.
Jason: He has a bow tie.
Eleanor: Oh, no.
Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
[Eleanor slaps the lollipop out of Jason's mouth]

Jason: I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.
Jason: Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. [laughs] They won't.
Jason: Okay, well I just have, like, 12 more Jaguar questions...
Eleanor: No, you don't. Hey, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Do you have something shiny Jason can play with?
[Jason gasps as Janet hands him a sparkler]

Eleanor: What is so funny?
Michael: I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That's funny.
Eleanor: We're cockroaches to you?
Michael: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know. Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth. Just being honest.

Janet: Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?
Michael: Yes. Why?
Janet: Every time a Janet is rebooted, she increases her social awareness and abilities. I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe.
[Janet pats her head and rubs her belly]

Eleanor: There's a way to get to the real Good place?
Michael: It's complicated. It may take a while to arrange... especially since I'll have to do it in secret... but yes, yes, there is a potential method of transportation.
Tahani: Wait, is it nice? Is there a business class? Can I pre-board?
Michael: Yeah, let's not worry about that right now.

Michael: Today, there was a new development that really chapped my nips. One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square. A Little Bit Chowder Now.
Tahani: Oh, the place with the... the chowder fountain.
Eleanor: No, that's Pump Up the Clam. A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. Ugh! How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

Eleanor: You wanna team up? You've been torturing us and lying about it.
Michael: Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.
Chidi: It was happening until 20 seconds ago.
Michael: The point is that... [everyone steps back as Michael steps forward] circumstances have changed. And now, all of us teaming up is our best option.
Jason: I love being on teams. Oh, we need a team name. Um... the Bobcats.
Michael: Great.
Eleanor: Slow down, ding dong. He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason. He needs us. Why?
Michael: Because, as you said, you keep beating me. Look, I built this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you... psychologically... for thousands of years. And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.
Chidi: Fun?

Michael: Vicky thinks that she can run this neighborhood better than I can. And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes. I am supposed to reboot you, erase your memory and turn control over to her.
Chidi: How are we supposed to team up with you if you wipe our memories again?
Michael: Easy. I'm not going to. You're going to act like you've been rebooted and pretend that Vicky and the others are torturing you. But then, on your own time, in private, you can study ethics, ogle mailmen, do whatever you want.
Jason: Can I play iPad?
Michael: Sure you can, buddy.
Jason: Yes.
Michael: Guys, there's no debate here. My boss gave me two chances to make this work. Suffice to say, I tried more than two times. If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally. They will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.