Shawn Quote #35
Quote from Shawn in Chidi Sees the Time-Knife
Michael: [answers video call from the Judge] Hello, Your Honor.
Shawn: [chuckles] You fell for it. It's me, Shawn. Just wanted to wish you bad luck.
Michael: Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared.
Shawn: Oh, I'm very confident. I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment. When you fail, and you will, I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends.
Michael: Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis-flatteners and bees with teeth. You are so predictable. Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? Try using teeth-flatteners and bees with penises.
Shawn: First of all, that's stupid. But also, we are switching it up. When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity. But guess who's going to be doing the torturing?
Michael suit: [on video] Hello, idiot. [chuckles]
Shawn: We built a Michael suit. The boys down in R&D said it couldn't be done. So I made it out of them. That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin.
Michael: You are disgusting.
Michael suit: Disgusting-ah.
Shawn: Oh, Michael. It's going to be so amazing watching your four BFFs look so sad and betrayed and confused as you, their reformed demon-daddy, unleash a swarm of... penis bees. I invented those. That was me.
Michael: Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do, and they'll know that it isn't really me.
Shawn: And we'll erase their memories of you telling them. Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way. Very useful. Have fun, Michael. Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you.
Shawn & Michael suit: Mm, bye, bitch!
The Good Place Quotes
‘Chidi Sees the Time-Knife’ Quotes
Quote from Judge
Michael: Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right. I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. Maybe you should give it a shot. If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can, you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Judge: Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. See what you guys "go through". And then one way or another, this is going to end. Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh... [scoffs] Mexico. Duh. [disappears]
Michael: Whoa.
Tahani: [sighs] Well, how long will she be gone?
Michael: No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...
Judge: [reappears] Oh, brother. That was rough.
Eleanor: Right?
Judge: Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm Black? And they do not like Black ladies down there. Crap, y'all. This is bad.
Quote from Michael
Michael: All right. Why don't we all sit down so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said I thought there was something wrong with the points system. I finally know what it is. Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow. I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. You don't want the consequences? Do the research. Buy another tomato. What else you got?
Michael: Um... I'll tell you what else I got, uh... I got this. ["floss" dance]
Eleanor: Michael. What... what are you doing?
Michael: The Backpack Kid dance.
Eleanor: Why?
Michael: I don't know. It makes people happy. Is it helping?
Quote from Jason
Chidi: Can I say something? Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! [grunts] I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
Eleanor: Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.
Jason: I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed just like in Willy Wonka. I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy. Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.