Michael: So that's their plan.
Jason: This doesn't seem so bad.
Michael: Yeah. It really tucks my nuggets. I worked so hard on my torture ideas, and theirs are so basic. These millennials, they have no work ethic. Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone who has only been torturing people for a thousand years. Millennial.

Tahani: I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply "did myself".

Eleanor: I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad... all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew... "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Tahani: What if I throw a party that is so amazing that it's actually better than the party that's supposed to win? When they realize they could have to my party, they'll be sad. I won't be sad. They'll be sad. Janet!
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event... too much." Model tonight's decor after my 2008 fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich. No. 2007. [chuckles]

Chidi: Is there any way that you can die?
Michael: Yeah, actually there is. It's called retirement. It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up... [clicks teeth]
Chidi: And what happens exactly?
Michael: Well, it's fairly straightforward. My essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle, and every molecule of my body would be placed on the surface of a different sun.
Eleanor: Sure.
Chidi: So is that what would happen if your boss found out that you defected to our side?
Michael: Yeah.
Chidi: Okay, so that might actually happen, and if it did there would be no more... Michael. Think about that for a second. Imagine being retired. Everyone else is here. But you? Poof. Gone. Nothingness. Inky black void. Done.
Michael: Okay. I'll think about that.
Michael: Huh. So... you're saying that I would be... No... Me? [exclaiming]
Chidi: Okay! Now we're getting somewhere.

Eleanor: Okay, bud, whatever is going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend you're having fun. Okay? Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.

Jason: Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance group. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Tahani: Why? It's not important.
Jason: Lately, you've been really down on yourself. But you're the most amazing person I've ever met... besides Michael, and he was constantly torturing us so I'd only rank him a ten.
Tahani: Which is worse than an eight? That's so unnecessarily confusing.
Jason: The point is: you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good. 'Cause you're good at everything. You're awesome. Be nicer to yourself.
Tahani: Thank you, Jason. From one eight to another.

Chidi: Well, um, let's start our first lesson. Tahani and Jason will have to make it up since they're both off being fake-tortured.
Michael: All right. Well, I've read everything on your syllabus, and how do I put this delicately? It's all, ah, stupid garbage.
Chidi: Look, we have to start somewhere. So how about Socrates?
Michael: All right, all right. Let me just get into the mind-set of a human. "Oh, I'm a human, and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube. Oh, and look, my arms end in stupid little sticks." Okay. Proceed.
Chidi: Good.

Eleanor: Man. Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the... velociraptor.
Chidi: You trying to say "valedictorian?"
Eleanor: No.

Eleanor: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.