‘Existential Crisis’
Season 2, Episode 5 - Aired October 12, 2017
Michael has an existential crisis after Chidi starts teaching him about ethics. Meanwhile, Tahani throws a party she knows is destined to fail.
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile. I mean the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute and completely loses his grip on reality?
[flashback:]
Eleanor: You didn't have to come. I said I'm fine.
Samuel: Yeah, well, I know you guys weren't super close, but still. It's hard... losing a parent.
Donna: Eleanor! Mommy's here, baby! Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine?
Eleanor: This is my boyfriend, Sam. Sam, this is my mother...
Donna: Sister! Sister... [groans] It's not going to work. It's my ex-husband's funeral. Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug! Listen, baby. Don't be sad, okay? Your father wasn't great. Let's call him what he was: a fart in the shape of a man.
Eleanor: Can you just chill? I don't want to turn Dad's funeral into a roast.
Donna: I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked. I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mug shot. He was a doof. So don't be sad that he's gone.
Eleanor: I'm not sad. I'm fine.
Donna: Good! You know, I had a long running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him. You want to guess who won that one? Come on, guess.
Samuel: Well, we're at his funeral. It's pretty clear...
Donna: I did! I won! He's dead! Up top!
Samuel: Whoa. [chuckles]
Donna: Is there a bar? I'm just going to...
Eleanor: Did my mom slip you her hotel room key?
Samuel: Yes. Yes, she did.
Quote from Vicky
Vicky: Thanks so much for coming to Gunnar's birthday party. Now, there was a little bit of a mix up, and Tahani also planned a birthday party over at the restaurant. So... why don't we all head over there?
Tahani: Uh... No need. This party is far superior.
Quinston: I'm sure yours is amazing.
Tahani: Well, I did fine on the decor, but I don't have, you know, actual unicorns you can ride. [unicorn snorts] So you all just stay here and have fun.
Vicky: Okay, well, if that's what you want. Let's all get back to the party, then.
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.
Jason: Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride and the game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" with actual hippos. This party is way better than ours. Why are you miserable? Ohh.
Tahani: You stay and have fun. I'm going to go and throw myself a pity party... though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly. [whimpers]
Quote from Michael
Michael: God, I love this stuff! [slurps] Oh! Let's keep this party going! What now, huh? Want to hit the clubs? Oh, oh, oh... Vegas! No, no, no, even better... Dubai. [Janet gasps] Jeanette, make us a Dubai. [Janet giggles]
Eleanor: I kind of feel like maybe we should wind down, have a...
Michael: No, no, can't do that. Can't stop moving. Can't stop moving. If I stop moving, I'll start thinking and if I start thinking, I'll start thinking about things I don't want to think about, like death. Oops. I'm thinking about it now. Yep, thinking about death again. Oh, I know. Jeanette and I have been taking samba lessons, huh? Let us show you how to do it.
Quote from Chidi
Eleanor: I think Vicky bought his excuse, but we need to snap him out of this. Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again?
Chidi: It's not that easy. I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book.
Eleanor: What's the big whoop? I dealt with death, and I was fine.
Chidi: Were you? I mean, you never had one moment where you were freaked out by the permanence of death? Never one moment like that?
Quote from Tahani
Jason: I got you something to eat.
Tahani: I'm not hungry. [sniffs] I just want to sit and stare at nothing and silently scream for the rest of time.
Jason: I might be way off-base here, but you seem kind of bummed.
Tahani: I really thought I could throw a better party than a magical, all-powerful being. And moreover, what's this say about me, about the life I lived? The way they're torturing me is through event planning mishaps, and it works. Am I really that shallow?