Chidi: "Excellent progress this week. Tahani devastated by party mishap. Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster creating burden for Chidi."
Eleanor: "Selfish monster?" I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude.
Michael: No, no. I have to embellish your misery on these fake torture reports so that my boss doesn't get suspicious. But really... [sighs] I am grateful you pulled me out of my funk.
Chidi: Well, now that you've become acquainted with existential crises, I thought we could read "Death" by philosopher Todd May.
Eleanor: Sounds like the perfect beach read. Should we wait for Tahani and Jason? Where are those goofballs?

Tahani: So, um... we should probably discuss...
Jason: That was awesome!
Tahani: It was. [sighs] Surprisingly so. But we should still discuss...
Jason: Want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal.
Tahani: Sure, but, Jason, we should...
Jason: Okay, be right back.

Vicky: You've got to admit things are going pretty well since I took over.
Michael: Certainly a lot smoother lately. And based on my surveillance, our four humans don't suspect anything.
Vicky: Yeah, because we're killing it. [others whoop]
Michael: You sure are. Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week.
Vicky: [groaning] So long. You're not supposed to be torturing me. From now on, make all your memos one page max with pictures. Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to torture Tahani. Tell him, babe.
Quinston: We're going to have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday, but no one will show up because we'll also be throwing a party, and it will be way better.
Vicky: Boom.
Michael: Where do you get these incredible ideas?
Quinston: Oh, that one just came to me. It just like popped right into my noodle.

Eleanor: Okay. Coast is clear. Not a demon in sight. Except for, you know... Is that what we should call you? "Demon"?
Michael: Well, I mean, it's not really accurate, and we consider it to be a little racist. But it's fine.

Michael: Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. How does anyone do anything... when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?
Eleanor: It's pretty easy, man. I mean, you learn about death when you're a kid, and it's just not that big of a deal.
[flashback:]
Donna: Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? [Young Eleanor shakes her head] Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow." The point is: that's where Max is.
Young Eleanor: Can we visit him at the farm?
Donna: Nope, because it's very far away... in... Guam. It's in Guam.
Young Eleanor: Can we at least...
Donna: Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam. Your dog, Max, is dead in a duffel bag under the deck.
Young Eleanor: How did he die?
Donna: The short answer is: I don't know. And the slightly longer answer is: I didn't know how hot it gets in cars sometimes. The point is: don't be sad. Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad because it's been a very long day and that bitch Carol from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing that I don't even know what it was. And at the end of that long day, I had to use one of my favorite duffle bags to do something very gross that I did not like. Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mommy another bottle of white.

Eleanor: Okay, we all head over to Vicky's party together. We babysit Michael in shifts so that no one sees he's a catatonic blob.
Tahani: Or you could just sit tight. The entire party are going to be heading over here soon. [laughs] Unless I am sorely mistaken.
[later, as the group arrive at Gunnar's party:]
Tahani: I was sorely mistaken.

Tahani: Wow, this is... elaborate.
Quinston: Gunnar was an animal rights activist. So the theme of the party is "animals." Flying station's over there if you want to fly like a falcon.
Vicky: And over there we filled a ball pit with puppies.
Eleanor: That's fun.
Vicky: Oh, and have you ever wanted to sit in a kangaroo pouch?
Jason: My whole dang life.
Vicky: So we can all hang out here for a bit and then we can head over to your party... sound good?
Jason: Yo, this place is lit. I'm going to go jump in that kangie's pouch.

Michael: There they are! Que pasa, muchachos?
Eleanor: Hey there, bud. You okay?
Michael: Okay? I'm a new man. Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice about shoving my feelings down deep. I feel so much better. It's like I'm surfing on this wave of positivity.
Eleanor: Is that Janet?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.
Chidi: Hi, Jeanette.
Janet: Oh, no, it's still me... Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?" [giggles]
Michael: Man, repressing your feelings is great. I was feeling stressed all the time, and now it's just so easy. Babe, we need to get some food into you. Get you something to eat.
Janet: I don't eat anything.
Michael: She's perfect.

Michael: It did kind of hurt actually, but I love it.

Michael: It's Chinese for "Japan."
Woman: Oh, so cool.