[flashback:]
Blanche: I like a roommate with a sense of humor. My last two roommates were two old sticks-in-the mud from Minnesota. Oh! Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Rose: Well, my name is Rose Nylund and I'm from Minnesota.
Blanche: Stop it, girl. You're killing me.
Rose: Oh, but I'm not a stick-in-the-mud. Oh, listen, I can let my hair down and get crazy with the best of them.
Blanche: Really? Hey, I think we'd get along great. I got a feeling you're a wild woman.
Rose: Oh, you bet I am. I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog. [Blanche puts the tab back on her notice] What's the matter?
Blanche: I think I'd better keep looking.
Rose: Oh, I'll stop eating raw cookie dough.
Blanche: No, honey, that's not it. It's just the two of us have nothing in common. We're just two different kinds of people. It wouldn't work out, believe me.

[flashback:]
Boy: Can I pet your cat, lady?
Rose: Why, sure, sweetheart.
Boy: What's his name?
Rose: Mr. Peepers.
Boy: I had a cat just like him. His name was Harpo. But he died. I miss him.
Rose: Oh, well, you'll have to get yourself another kitty. Would your mommy let you have another kitty?
Boy: Yeah, she said she would get me one next week.
Rose: Well, if you'll promise to give him a really, really good home, I'll let you have Mr. Peepers.
Boy: Great! Would it be OK if I call him Harpo?
Rose: Well, I don't think he'd mind.
Boy: Thanks a lot, lady.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Yes?
Dorothy: Are you Blanche Devereaux?
Blanche: Yes, what can I do for you?
Dorothy: Well, I'm Dorothy Zbornak. This is my mother Sophia Petrillo. Remember we spoke on the phone about sharing the house?
Blanche: Yes. Come in, uh-huh.
Zelda: Move in this house and you'll die an agonizing death.
Blanche: Thank you, Madame Zelda. Goodbye. [to Dorothy & Sophia] Oh, ladies, I'm sorry about that. You get so many weirdoes when you run an ad in the newspapers.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Why don't we start out with a tour of the house and later on we'll sit down and go over that application you filled out.
Dorothy: Oh, wonderful. Oh, your house is just breathtaking.
Blanche: I know.
Sophia: You said it looked like a dump from the outside.

[flashback:]
Dorothy: I didn't catch your name.
Rose: I'm Rose Nylund, your new roomie. Blanche has told me all about you. Sorry your husband dumped you. You can borrow my bubble bath anytime you want.
Dorothy: That'll help ease the lonely nights. Thank you very much.

[flashback:]
Blanche: I see you two are getting acquainted.
Dorothy: Yes, I'm just gonna take my stuff to my room. It's the second on the left down the hall there?
Rose: Dorothy, the second on the left is mine. Blanche had promised it to me.
Dorothy: Blanche promised it to me too. Didn't you, Blanche?
Blanche: Whoops.
Dorothy: Oh, great, great. What are we supposed to do now?
Rose: Back in Minnesota, we'd settle this kind of a dispute with some good-natured logrolling.
Dorothy: Sorry, Rose. My log is in the shop.

[flashback:]
Rose: Oh, Blanche! Blanche, I am so sorry. Oh, I'll buy you another one.
Blanche: Well, you can't. That was one of a kind. Oh, well, don't feel bad. I never really liked it much anyway. It's just that my grandmother gave this to me. On her deathbed. She was very, very sick for a very, very long time.
I loved her very, very much.
Dorothy: Blanche, why don't you just grind the broken pieces in her hand?

[flashback:]
Dorothy: This one's ripe.
Blanche: And how do you tell, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, you smell the tip of it. It's an old Sicilian method my mother taught me.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, dear. The best way to tell if a melon is ripe is Southern. You thump it.
Rose: Well, actually, roomies, I have the best method, the farm method. It works every time.
Blanche: And what might that be, Rose, dear?
Rose: [pulls out a knife, carves out a chunk of cantaloupe, tastes it and places the cantaloupe back] No. Mm-mm. [again] Better.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Yeah, I almost forgot. We need a Globe and a Tattler and a Midnight Star and an Enquirer and I guess maybe one serious newsmagazine so we know what's going on in the world, one People.

[flashback:]
Rose: Excuse me, you made a mistake. Those peaches aren't 59 cents a pound, they're 89 cents. Honesty is the best policy.
Blanche: What are you trying to do, Rose? Qualify for some kind of scout badge?
Rose: Well, I can't help it if I'm an honest person. Obviously, something you don't know anything about.
Blanche: What are you talking about?
Rose: Well, you bought pantyhose in petite. Anybody can see you couldn't get those past your knees.
Blanche: If you don't keep your voice down, I'm gonna hit you in the head with this loin of pork.