Dorothy: Oh, Ma, you will not believe what a terrible day we've been having.
Sophia: What are you telling me for? You think I'm hiding Father Flanagan under here? I got my own problems.
Dorothy: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia: Today was the worst day I've ever had at a hospital, not counting the unfortunate mistake Dr. Feldman made during my gall bladder surgery. You ever tried passing a sponge?
Rose: What happened, Sophia?
Sophia: I got stuck with the meanest patient in the history of medicine. I mean, just because a person has two weeks to live, doesn't mean he has to be cranky.
Dorothy: Come on, Ma. The man is dying. I mean, have some sympathy.
Sophia: Hey, you met this DeKimmel character. You try having sympathy for a guy like that.

Dorothy: Mr. LaBass, I want to thank you for coming on such short notice.
Sid LaBass: You're lucky I came at all. I got a horrible cold. I was so dizzy, I lost my balance getting out of bed. I guess my equilibrium's shot.
Rose: Well, I'm sure you'll feel better once you're up on the roof.

Blanche: I think it's gonna be a great show.It's featuring the work of Mr. Jasper DeKimmel. You ever heard of him?
Rose: I'm not sure. Has he ever done anything in velvet?

Blanche: Didn't I tell you tonight was gonna be special? There's nothing but beautiful people here.
Sophia: I'm glad they didn't make us check Dorothy with the coats.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I think I look pretty damn good tonight. Is it really necessary for you to constantly put me down?
Sophia: I'm sorry, pussycat. You're right. From now on I'm gonna be a more supportive mother. You look nice tonight. You look better than a lot of other women here. Like like her, for instance.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks, Ma. By the way, that's a man.
Sophia: Hey, that's not my fault.

Sophia: Hey. Hey! Why are you wearing makeup? So your mother won't be embarrassed?
Blanche: Honey, he won't pay any attention to you, no matter what you do.
Sophia: Oh, yeah? Hey, fella, your fly is open.
[The mine grabs for his crotch and falls off his stand]

Dorothy: Girls, girls, look. "Self-portrait by Jasper DeKimmel."
Rose: Dorothy, that picture has three noses.
Jasper DeKimmel: Oh, I'm so glad that you find my self-portrait so interesting.
Blanche: You're him.
Jasper DeKimmel: Yes.
Rose: Gee, out of three noses, why did you keep the biggest?
Jasper DeKimmel: All the galleries make the same mistake. They've hung it upside down.
Rose: Oh, then those aren't noses.
Dorothy: Whoa!

Blanche: Well, Mr. DeKimmel, I find your work absolutely riveting.
Rose: Well, so do I. I'm just not sure I understand it.
Jasper DeKimmel: No, of course you don't. If you had any real grasp of color, you certainly wouldn't have worn those shoes with that dress.
Blanche: Oh, now, just a minute here, Mr. DeKimmel. I see no reason for you to be insulting my friend Rose, or her shoes. Oh, my lord! Look at those things. Well, the Pilgrims landed in nicer shoes.

Jasper DeKimmel: Now, do you see how I echo Monet with my brush strokes?
Rose: Yeah.
Blanche: Oh, yeah.
Jasper DeKimmel: And do you see how I show darkness with single points of light?
Rose: Oh, yes.
Dorothy: Yes.
Jasper DeKimmel: And do you see how I convey humor with my cycle of blues and grays?
Dorothy: Oh, yes. Yes.
Blanche: Yes.
Jasper DeKimmel: You're idiots. The only humor here is my own, at your great stupidity. This picture no more echoes Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen. And you will waste no more of my time.
Rose: Oh, yeah?
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.

Blanche: What a terrible man.
Dorothy: I know. But listen, let's not let him ruin our evening. We can still enjoy all this art.
Rose: Dorothy's right. Oh, look. Two more mimes pretending to carry something. I'm gonna have some fun with them.
Blanche: Um...
Rose: [glass shattering] They weren't mimes, were they?

Blanche: Oh, girls, listen to me, when a famous artist like Jasper DeKimmel dies, the value of his work doubles, sometimes even triples. You know what that means?
Rose: Sure. It means if he dies, those crummy pictures of his will be worth a fortune. He'll have more money than he'll know what to do with.
Dorothy: You almost got it, Rose.
Blanche: They're gonna auction off some of Jasper DeKimmel's art this week. With a piece of inside information like this, we could make a real killing buying an original DeKimmel. Then we could sell the painting and pay for the roof and still have money to spare.