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‘Stand by Your Man’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man

611. Stand by Your Man

Aired December 1, 1990

Blanche agrees to go out with a man she met in a library, without realizing he's in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, Rose gets a puppy.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I just love libraries.
Dorothy: You do?
Blanche: Oh, I've loved books since I was a child. Although I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a youngun?
Dorothy: You mean besides using phrases like "neck of the woods" and "youngun"?
Blanche: They burned books. The townspeople made a big pile of 'em in front of the library and they threw a torch on top. Only Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doing? This is lunacy. Ya start a fire from the bottom."

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, Ted's coming over later, and I just don't want that dog making a big mess. He's already been into my personal things.
Rose: Well, maybe we should get him some rubber toys.
Blanche: They do seem to be his preference.

Quote from Blanche

Ted: I don't believe we have to stop seeing each other.
Blanche: Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband. Oh, except for that one time. Now, that was not my fault. She was pronounced dead. Those paramedics never give up.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, you could be my chaperone.
Dorothy: Oh, please.
Blanche: No, I'm serious. You're the perfect third wheel. I don't mean that in a negative way. I just mean you make men uncomfortable. It's a gift. Don't waste it. Well, as long as you don't mean it in a negative way. Oh, of course not. You know, growing up in the South-
Dorothy: God, here it comes! The honeysuckle, mint juleps, three-legged dogs, you and Opie and Floyd and the barbershop. Blanche, get to the point.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, tell us about your date last night.
Blanche: All I can tell you is Mr. Ted Tanner is quite a man. Quite a man. He suits me to a "g."
Rose: [chuckles] You mean to a "t."
Dorothy: No, I don't think so, Rose.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.
Librarian: Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.
Dorothy: As long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household. It's for my mother. I don't wanna give her any ideas.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Now, let me get this right. Dinner at your place tonight? What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I'll be right back. Say hello to the newest member of our family.
Sophia: Oh, great, we gotta live with a sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance with the intelligence of a squeaky toy.
And now she's got a dog.

Quote from Blanche

Ted: Don't end this, Blanche. My wife doesn't understand me.
Blanche: Well, I do. You're a cheat. Get out. Oh, as God is my witness, I will never pick up another man. In a library. On a Saturday. Unless he's cute and drives a nice car. Amen.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Please! Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.
Dorothy: What do you know about this, Ma?
Sophia: Picture it Sicily, 1914. A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman. It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Thanks for bringing the boys over, Dreyfus. So long, kids. Oh, I just love it when Dreyfus brings the puppies over to play. I really think they like it, too.
Sophia: That's because you bring the stick to them.
Rose: I know. They get so excited when I fetch.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: You like having them over, too, don't you, Sophia?
Sophia: Yeah, I like 'em.
Dorothy: That's because it temporarily shifts the blame if we find a puddle on the floor.
Sophia: Once, Nurse Ratched, once.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I don't know how that could've happened, but I'll put the book on my card, and I want you to know my card is always current. I come to the library at least three times a week, and my books are always returned promptly during regular library hours, rain or shine. Who are you to judge me?!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, the answer is no.
Rose: That's not fair. Last week, you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
Blanche: There, you see? You don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose: I don't want a man. I just wanna come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, lick my face and fetch a ball when I throw it.
Blanche: You can get a man to do that.

Quote from Sophia

Ted: And who's this?
Sophia: Who do I look like? I'm her mother.
Blanche: Grandmother. Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, make my own clothes.
Sophia: We was po'.

Quote from Sophia

Ted: Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperone.
Blanche: Well, as I said, it was a tradition. We Southern families stick together.
Sophia: We sho' do.
Ted: Well, I suppose it's been nice having someone look after you since you were young.
Sophia: I had to. When she was 15, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it - me with a crowbar prying cousins off left and right.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I don't know why I was nervous in the first place.
Sophia: Boy, you should see this bedroom. A giant-screen TV, a big round bed and lights that go on when you clap. My hands are raw.
Ted: That Southern accent of yours really comes and goes.
Sophia: Grits. Alright?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, I'm sorry I tossed ya out last night, but it was for a good cause.
Sophia: That's OK, Blanche. Andy took me home in the limo, and, boy, did we have fun. I figured out why they call it a moon roof.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hurry up. Get dressed. We're gonna be late for temple.
Dorothy: Ma, it's Tuesday, and we're Catholic.
Sophia: In that case, bacon and eggs.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: It's just that during this past week with Ted out of town, everything was on hold. I didn't have to make any decisions about where our relationship was going. I don't know what to do.
Rose: Well, I'm here if you wanna pick my brain.
Dorothy: Rose, I think we should leave it alone and let it heal.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Bingo, much as I love you, little guy, we've gotta do what's best for you. Wish I knew what to say to make leaving easier. You know, I used to have a little dog just like you back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: She said St. Olaf, Bingo. I told you, that's the attack command.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You're a sports agent? I bet we know some of the same people. I was one of the first women ever allowed in the Miami Dolphins' locker room.
Ted: Reporter?
Blanche: Photographer.


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