Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘Stand by Your Man’

The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man

611. Stand by Your Man

Aired December 1, 1990

Blanche agrees to go out with a man she met in a library, without realizing he's in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, Rose gets a puppy.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?
Sophia: Not the pony thing again.
Dorothy: She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.
Rose: And that was your pet?
Sophia: They're very clean.
Dorothy: Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.
Rose: How does a paper bird die?
Dorothy: Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I just love libraries.
Dorothy: You do?
Blanche: Oh, I've loved books since I was a child. Although I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a youngun?
Dorothy: You mean besides using phrases like "neck of the woods" and "youngun"?
Blanche: They burned books. The townspeople made a big pile of 'em in front of the library and they threw a torch on top. Only Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doing? This is lunacy. Ya start a fire from the bottom."

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, Ted's coming over later, and I just don't want that dog making a big mess. He's already been into my personal things.
Rose: Well, maybe we should get him some rubber toys.
Blanche: They do seem to be his preference.

Quote from Blanche

Ted: I don't believe we have to stop seeing each other.
Blanche: Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband. Oh, except for that one time. Now, that was not my fault. She was pronounced dead. Those paramedics never give up.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, you could be my chaperone.
Dorothy: Oh, please.
Blanche: No, I'm serious. You're the perfect third wheel. I don't mean that in a negative way. I just mean you make men uncomfortable. It's a gift. Don't waste it. Well, as long as you don't mean it in a negative way. Oh, of course not. You know, growing up in the South-
Dorothy: God, here it comes! The honeysuckle, mint juleps, three-legged dogs, you and Opie and Floyd and the barbershop. Blanche, get to the point.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, tell us about your date last night.
Blanche: All I can tell you is Mr. Ted Tanner is quite a man. Quite a man. He suits me to a "g."
Rose: [chuckles] You mean to a "t."
Dorothy: No, I don't think so, Rose.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Now, let me get this right. Dinner at your place tonight? What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.
Librarian: Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.
Dorothy: As long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household. It's for my mother. I don't wanna give her any ideas.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I'll be right back. Say hello to the newest member of our family.
Sophia: Oh, great, we gotta live with a sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance with the intelligence of a squeaky toy.
And now she's got a dog.

Quote from Blanche

Ted: Don't end this, Blanche. My wife doesn't understand me.
Blanche: Well, I do. You're a cheat. Get out. Oh, as God is my witness, I will never pick up another man. In a library. On a Saturday. Unless he's cute and drives a nice car. Amen.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Please! Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.
Dorothy: What do you know about this, Ma?
Sophia: Picture it Sicily, 1914. A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman. It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Thanks for bringing the boys over, Dreyfus. So long, kids. Oh, I just love it when Dreyfus brings the puppies over to play. I really think they like it, too.
Sophia: That's because you bring the stick to them.
Rose: I know. They get so excited when I fetch.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: You like having them over, too, don't you, Sophia?
Sophia: Yeah, I like 'em.
Dorothy: That's because it temporarily shifts the blame if we find a puddle on the floor.
Sophia: Once, Nurse Ratched, once.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I don't know how that could've happened, but I'll put the book on my card, and I want you to know my card is always current. I come to the library at least three times a week, and my books are always returned promptly during regular library hours, rain or shine. Who are you to judge me?!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, the answer is no.
Rose: That's not fair. Last week, you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
Blanche: There, you see? You don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose: I don't want a man. I just wanna come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, lick my face and fetch a ball when I throw it.
Blanche: You can get a man to do that.

Quote from Sophia

Ted: And who's this?
Sophia: Who do I look like? I'm her mother.
Blanche: Grandmother. Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, make my own clothes.
Sophia: We was po'.

Quote from Sophia

Ted: Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperone.
Blanche: Well, as I said, it was a tradition. We Southern families stick together.
Sophia: We sho' do.
Ted: Well, I suppose it's been nice having someone look after you since you were young.
Sophia: I had to. When she was 15, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it - me with a crowbar prying cousins off left and right.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I don't know why I was nervous in the first place.
Sophia: Boy, you should see this bedroom. A giant-screen TV, a big round bed and lights that go on when you clap. My hands are raw.
Ted: That Southern accent of yours really comes and goes.
Sophia: Grits. Alright?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, I'm sorry I tossed ya out last night, but it was for a good cause.
Sophia: That's OK, Blanche. Andy took me home in the limo, and, boy, did we have fun. I figured out why they call it a moon roof.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hurry up. Get dressed. We're gonna be late for temple.
Dorothy: Ma, it's Tuesday, and we're Catholic.
Sophia: In that case, bacon and eggs.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: It's just that during this past week with Ted out of town, everything was on hold. I didn't have to make any decisions about where our relationship was going. I don't know what to do.
Rose: Well, I'm here if you wanna pick my brain.
Dorothy: Rose, I think we should leave it alone and let it heal.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Bingo, much as I love you, little guy, we've gotta do what's best for you. Wish I knew what to say to make leaving easier. You know, I used to have a little dog just like you back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: She said St. Olaf, Bingo. I told you, that's the attack command.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: So many books.
Dorothy: That's why they call it a library. It's from the Latin librarius, which means "so many books."

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Excuse me. My friend here would like to apply for a library card.
Librarian: What friend?
Dorothy: Oh, the one who's checking out everything but the books.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You're a sports agent? I bet we know some of the same people. I was one of the first women ever allowed in the Miami Dolphins' locker room.
Ted: Reporter?
Blanche: Photographer.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, by the way, Ma, when I was at the library, they said your library card had expired five years ago.
Sophia: Really? Where could I have been? Oh, yeah, locked in an old-age home.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Dorothy, I cannot go through with it. I'm gonna call Ted and cancel.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you can't.
Blanche: Well, but it isn't fair. He should've told me he was disabled.
Sophia: Yeah, what a great icebreaker.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I need a chaperone. Now, do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?
Dorothy: What favors?
Blanche: [to Sophia] I need a chaperone. Now, do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?
Sophia: I don't owe you any favors.
Blanche: Oh, really? "But, officer, the little old lady was with me. She couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe."
Sophia: It'll be an honor to serve.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Come on, Rose. We've talked about pets. There's no one home during the day to take care of it.
Sophia: I'm home during the day.
Dorothy: No one lucid is home during the day.

Quote from Blanche

Ted: Blanche, you a little nervous?
Blanche: Nervous? Me? Wheelchair. Oops. I mean, no, no, not at all.
Ted: Come on, Blanche, most people in wheelchairs were something else until that one second before their accident and their lives change. Hey, take a look at this guy in the baseball uniform. I'm still basically that guy.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You certainly do have a nice place here.
Ted: I took it because I spend so much time in Miami, and I do hate hotels.
Blanche: Oh, yeah, I know. The way they charge you for the whole night when you're only there for a few hours. My roommate Dorothy told me that. She's a slut.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well, mercy me. Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho'.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Rose, we have to talk. Look, the food dish is overturned, there is a hole in the newspaper, the potted palm in the hallway has been dug up. I cannot live like this.
Sophia: Dorothy, please don't send me away. I'll try harder.
Dorothy: I'm talking about the dog.
Sophia: Oh. In that case, I also saw him slip two 20s out of your purse.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, you got a reprieve. As long as Blanche isn't here, she won't find out you brought a dog into the house.
Rose: What do I care if she finds out? I'm not afraid. I'm within my rights. There is nothing in my lease that says I can't have a pet.
Blanche: All right, who or what ate the heel off one my new red pumps?
Rose: I did.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Ah, girls, I just don't know what I am gonna do about Mr. Ted Tanner.
Sophia: If the man wants to colorize movies, let him colorize movies. It's show business, for God's sake.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I think you should go for it. See it through. Blanche, so many times you drop somebody without ever knowing what it could turn into. Sometimes you have to take a chance.
Blanche: I just don't know if I'm ready for that kind of risk.
Dorothy: A little risk only heightens the thrill. It's like making love in an airplane lavatory, where you know it's wrong because the guy you're with really should be at the controls. Well, it was just an example. Who are you to judge me?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Well, Sophia, did you feed Bingo today?
Sophia: To what?
Dorothy: Ma, you did feed the puppy today, didn't you?
Sophia: I think we both had one of those international coffees - mocha minty or something - I don't know. We both threw up a little.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, Rose, I don't think this is gonna work out. Now, we are out all day. Puppies need care from someone with a knowledge of loving and nurturing. And let's face it, that is not Ma.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Why don't we go someplace romantic for a few days?
Ted: I have to go back home tomorrow.
Blanche: Oh. Well, take me with you. Show me the wonders of Philadelphia. The Liberty Bell. The cream cheese.
Ted: I can't take you.
Blanche: Why not?
Ted: I just can't.
Blanche: Is there someone else? Oh. There's somebody else. Oh, a girlfriend. You got a wife?
Ted: I'm sorry.
Blanche: Sorry? I do not believe this. You know, I kept telling myself to stay open to this, that you were just such a special guy who happened to be sitting down. I was actually starting to feel love for you, Ted. I thought you were noble. Never dawned on me you could be a jerk in a wheelchair. Ah. Get out!


 Episode 610 Episode 612